This story ranks in my top five most embarrassing moments as a parent. It happened last year, my kids were four and five years old. They had joined a running club at school. It was very laid back, a few short practices and then a cross country meet in the fall. It was fun for the kids. It got them out moving and burning energy, exactly what I wanted. They worked hard at practice and had fun with their friends. Things were going so “perfectly”, what a great parenting win! It always happens that way. Things are going so smooth and you feel like you are winning at parenting and then BAM, you are blindsided. It happens to me all the time. I’m going strong and then out of nowhere the messiness hits. You’d think I would be used to it by now, NOPE, it still catches me off guard, every ... single... time... UGH. It happened at their first cross country meet. That’s when everything went downhill fast.
When we arrived at the meet there were hundreds of people. I was actually a bit nervous for the kids. if I was nervous, you could imagine what my kids were feeling. I tried my hardest to make it seem like no big deal. I reassured my kids it was just for fun, but they kept insisting they wanted to go back home. To give you a little background, I wasn’t always the toughest kid. I quit almost everything I started and when life got tough, I gave up. So in other words, I was a major wimp. In the back of my mind I was thinking there is no way I'm going to let my kids turn out to be like me, they will NOT be quitters. I tried my hardest to encourage them. I kept telling them they were strong and brave and they could do it. Nothing seemed to be working.
When the man on the loudspeaker announced there was only three more minutes until the start of the race. That’s when everything came undone. My kids started hysterically crying and screaming. I never saw anything like it. I am not exaggerating, they were completely out of control. Yes, there were some other kids that were nervous and maybe had a few small tears, but my kids were straight up CRAZY. To say people were staring would be an understatement. We were like the lead show at the circus. It was dysfunction at it's finest. To top it off my son began screaming at the top of his lungs, not once or twice, but the whole three minutes until the gun went off,
YOU CAN’T MAKE ME DO THIS
YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!!!!!!
Have you ever felt like this in your relationship with God. Maybe it’s just because I am a “tiny bit” strong willed or that I don’t like being told what to do, but I used to feel like this often. I would often think, God can’t make me, I can do what I want.
I began my relationship with Christ in college, let’s just say it was a rough start. Honestly, I didn’t really like it at first. I was like a rebellious teenager. I always felt so restricted by God. I felt burdened by all of His “rules”. I wanted freedom to do what I wanted. Not only was the God stuff restricting, it was also incredibly boring. If it wasn’t boring me, it was definitely weirding me out. The first few years of my relationship with Christ were awful, I was constantly trying to get away from Him. I just wanted Him to leave me alone and I didn’t want to have to think about deep stuff or spiritual stuff. I just wanted to live my life having fun and doing what I wanted.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was being deceived. The god I had created in my mind was not even close to the amazing God of this world. The reason I had such a skewed perspective of God was because I never took the time to actually learn about Him. I never took time to read scripture, pray, or even pursue a relationship with God. Why did I expect to know Him, when I never took the time to read His truth. I was in a vulnerable position not knowing truth. I could easily be lied to by the enemy or confused by my own thoughts of who God was. When I wasn’t seeking truth through scripture, I didn’t know what to believe. It was much easier for me to make up who I “thought” God was, rather than take time to learn who He actually was. As a result, I ended up putting God in a box and defining Him in a way that was very undesirable to follow.
It wasn’t until I learned to pray and read scripture that my relationship with God started growing stronger. I started getting to know how amazing He was. The more I chased Him, the more He revealed to me. The God I discovered in the scriptures and through prayer, was nothing like the God I had made up in my mind. I never imagined I could experience God so personally. Instead of discovering a controlling, distant, boring and mean god, I discovered a God that,
Gives me strength and confidence when I am weak
Reminds me of who I am when I am lost
Shows me unconditional love regardless of my sin and failures
Reminds me everyday that I am His daughter and I am loved by Him.
Comforts me when I am lonely
Gives me purpose and a passion for life
Reminds me I am never alone
Shows me love when I feel worthless
Reminds me to be grateful when I become negative
Gives me self control when I want to give into the flesh
and
Is always leading me in a direction that is best for me
I cannot think of anything more amazing than what God does in my life everyday. The thing is, I didn’t just accidentally stumble upon God. I had to pursue and seek Him with my whole heart. I had to learn His truths and intentionally seek Him out. The more I seek God, the closer I feel to Him. God is after everyone's heart, His desire is for everyone to love and follow Him, but He will not force us. We have free will and it’s our choice if we want God in our lives or not. We can choose our own paths, but when our lives lack joy, purpose, peace, and hope, there is no one to blame but ourselves.
I so badly wanted to control my own life, but what I didn’t realize was, I wasn’t equipped to do that. I thought I was, but when I chose to go my own way, I experienced severe lows and constant depression. I was consumed with anxiety. I never had peace, purpose, joy, or hope. I was extremely negative and my life was absolutely miserable. I ended up getting to a point where I hated life. I was so lost on my own path that I didn’t even know what I wanted. I tried following the crowd, pursuing the things they wanted. I chased after money, success, beauty, perfection, and popularity. I thought these things were what I wanted, but as I slowly attained them I never felt fulfilled. I always wanted more. More money, more beauty, more success. There was never an end point. I never got to the finish line. It reminds me of a mirage of water on the hot pavement. I could see it , but was never able to attain it. I always had one more pound to lose or a little more money to earn. If I could only reached my goal I’d be satisfied, but there was always another goal after that one. No matter how much I attained, it never satisfied the emptiness inside. I would later learn, God would be the only one who could fill that emptiness.
I used to think I had to live or act a certain way in order to be in good standing with God. That is the farthest thing from the truth. God wasn’t worried about what I was doing, He was only after my heart. No matter what I chose to do, He still loved me. I was running from Him based off of a lie. I thought He would be disappointed in my decisions and how I chose to live my life, but in reality He wanted me just the way I was. I ran from Him thinking the world had more to offer me. I thought I'd find joy, fulfillment, love, and excitement, but the things I chased after only distracted me from what I really needed. They kept me busy, so I didn’t have time to pursue the one thing that would fill every single need, God.
Let's go back to the cross country meet, I'm sure you are curious to hear how it ended. It didn’t go as planned, but the kids did finish the race. My husband and I had to hold their hands and run with them to the finish line. They felt comforted, loved, guided, and confident with their parents at their side. What a great example of what God wants to do for us in our lives. God is our heavenly Father, He only wants to hold our hands and “run with us” to the finish line. I always believed God was the one keeping me captive, but the more I ran from God the more I became a prisoner to this world. I thought I would experience freedom when I chose my own path, but in reality my “freedom” was my biggest downfall. God was the one who would set me free, it was His guidance I was craving all along.
Psalm 25:4-5
Show me the right path, O Lord;
point out the road for me to follow.
Lead me by your truth and teach me,
for you are the God who saves me.
All day long I put my hope in you.
Proverbs 16:9
We can make our plans,
but the Lord determines our steps.
Romans 12:2
Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.
Psalm 143:8
Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning,
for I am trusting you.
Show me where to walk,
for I give myself to you.
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
do not depend on your own understanding.
Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.
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