I know, terrible attitude. I agree. It’s not all about me, I know this, but when you are in the thick of it, it sure seems like your struggle is the only thing that matters. Unfortunately, that’s where I go wrong, I let my thoughts get so wrapped up in my struggle that I lose sight of God. I even read scripture and take from it only the negative. I read about God overcoming the world and I think that’s amazing…..but forget about that part...I’m struggling right now and I don’t like it. My husband would lecture me for that perspective, he often says, “Kara, stop looking at the negative, think positive.” Easy for Mr.Optimistic to say. Haha! I do catch myself looking at the negative, which is strange because in the past I would have never described myself as a negative person. I was convinced I was a “realist” and that I saw the world as it was. I didn’t sugar coat things and I didn’t have too high of expectations. I wasn’t very hopeful and thought things were what they were. I didn’t believe in miracles or the impossible. I was realistic. In reality I wasn’t a realist at all, I was a pessimist. I chose to see things through a negative lens. I looked at things without much hope. I’d always say or think things like,
“what’s the chances.... definitely not good”
“that could never happen”
“I will never change, I suck”
“I would love to do that, but I’m just not good enough”
The negative self talk along with the negative perspective kept me prisoner. I was being crippled by the way I saw the world and by the way I saw myself. I was seeing things through a broken lens.
The only way I would be able to see the world and myself through a different lens was for God to do some major work in my heart and in my life. We see the world as we are. Our perspective is formed by what lies in our heart. We all see things differently and if we aren’t seeking God, we can lose track of where are perspective might be leading us. My negative outlook was leading me down a very slippery slope. It wasn’t until God started changing my heart, that my perspective began to change. We are all broken inside, it is God who fixes the brokenness. I could have continued down the path of destruction, but because of God’s grace and mercy I am clinging to him for my strength and for my perspective. If my thoughts were always those that came natural to me, I would still be a pessimist. I do not naturally think positive thoughts, but when I am in God’s word, in prayer, and focused on Him, it’s crazy how my perspective takes a turn. I find peace, joy and hope. I see things through a different lens when I am desperately and deeply pursuing God. I am frequently in awe of what God can do when you seek Him with your whole heart. When I finally give up my own pursuit and my own way and I give myself back over to God, I see a difference. I find rest and I find hope.
I often find myself going my own way, ugh.. You think I would learn. I start getting a little bit too confident out on my own. I’m independent and doing well, I am thriving! I almost forget who got me to this point. I forget that anything good and right in my life is from God. My blessings, my successes, my highs! Those are all from God. Those things only happen because God is good. I often get a little to confident in myself and I get lax on my bible readings or my prayer time. I feel like I finally have it all together. I’m happy, thriving, joyful, at peace. I get comfortable in the easy life, no struggles, no hurt, no trials, I feel strong and feel like I finally figured out how to find real happiness in this world....
and then BAM…..
the low hits.
Back to reality. I get desperate, I cling to Christ, I pursue and chase God like nothing else. I am reminded where my hope comes from. I am reminded of where I need to go to for strength. I start praying again and digging into the word. I come back to reality and realize, I cannot do this crazy life alone. I need you Father.
The struggles are what bring me to my knees. It is my sorrow that humbles me. I often think if I had a perfect life without struggle, without pain, I would resort to thinking I didn't need God. The first time I cried out to God for help, was in college. It was the darkest and most miserable point of my life. I hate thinking back to it, but to be honest, if I wasn’t at the lowest of lows, I would have never seen a need for God. My lowest points have been life changing moments in my life and I am grateful I went through them. They make me the woman I am today, a woman deeply in love with God. I wouldn't change that for anything. It is God who is developing in me a love and trust in him that cannot be manufactured. I needed to go through the lows in order to see my need for God. I often thank Him for bringing me to my knees and for changing my heart and for drawing me closer to Him. Unfortunately it is only through my pain and suffering that I am able to see my own sin and my own pride. It’s in these moments that I feel like a little girl who needs her father. I want to be held and comforted and so I run….I run as fast as I can, into my Heavenly Father arms and I whisper, “I need you Father, take care of me.”
That is the goal, to become closer and closer to the Lord. To become more and more dependent on God. He has what we need. He is what we long for. I often pray to God that he keeps me humble and that He keeps me needing Him. I get rebellious at times wanting my independence, but deep down I know who I really need. Independence from God leads to destruction. Independence doesn't equal freedom, that's a lie. It seems so desirable to be independent, confident and not needing God, but that perspective will only lead you astray. I won't lie, I still have those thoughts sometimes, the ones that involve me doing it all on my own. I get rebellious and want my own way, but God doesn’t ever let me get too far. He reminds me that I need Him and I don’t just need Him a little, I desperately need Him for all my needs. It is through my struggles that I am continually reminded of how much I need God.
I often battle anxious thoughts, depression, worry, and fear. When I struggle in the mind, I often lose hope and lose my joy. When things aren’t perfect, I don’t like it. When I am in a funk instead of persevering, I often sulk. I find myself just going through the motions waiting for the funk to pass. I hate struggling in the mind, but recently I was able to find peace during one of my funks. Come on now, I don’t think I’ve ever found peace during a struggle. Mostly because I spend the whole time sulking or blaming God. I spend the whole time being negative and focusing on my struggle rather than on God.
It is weird how a funk can just settle in on you. You just wake up with it or you are sad for no apparent reason. You just feel blah. Well, I just got over one of those funks. I was overwhelmed with anxiety and fear, I worried about everything. I was worried about stuff that usually doesn’t bother me or fearful of things I thought I had gotten over. I felt like I was back at square one. I thought I had made progress? I thought I was winning the battle in my mind? Then I find myself back at square one, I was mad. This time was different though. I got mad initially, but then something different happened. I thought to myself, I am not going to let the enemy steal my joy. Even though my life isn’t “perfect” right now. Even though I am not on a high or I am not thriving, there is no one, especially the enemy that is going to steal my joy. My joy comes from the Lord and He is my strength. My anxiety, depression, worry and fear never dissipated, the suffering was still there, yet I had peace. Some way some how I felt it. I felt God’s peace. I never understood what people meant by saying they had peace through pain and suffering, but I get it now, because I experienced it. I've never really believed in the impossible, but I'm starting to change my mind ;)
My perspective was always wrong. When I started to struggle I gave up too easy. When I started getting anxious and fearful I quit. This time I said NO MORE. I thought to myself, God is my strength and I will remain obedient no matter the circumstance. I will keep pushing forward and focusing on God, I have a choice to focus on the negative or the positive and I am going to focus on the One who gives me hope. I focused on what was to come. I knew my funk wouldn’t last forever. It comes and goes, I know this, but this time instead of passively sitting around waiting for it to go away, I fought back. I was determined not to let my funk steal my joy. I kept my focus on God and even though my thoughts were still fearful and anxious I trusted that God was with me and that’s all I needed. Last week in the midst of my struggle, I was driving home from the YMCA and I began to cry. I was crying because I didn’t want to struggle in my mind anymore. I felt defeated. I almost let the enemy win, I almost let him steal my joy, until a song came on that spoke truth to me:
“If your eyes are on the storm
You'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You'll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands”
I looked over to the passenger seat and smiled. I imagined Jesus right next to me smiling back. I said thank you Lord, I love you and I imagined myself holding Jesus’ hand all the way home. I was reminded that even though I was hurting I was not hurting alone. God was grieving with me and holding my hand through all the pain. It wasn't going to be easy, but because of God's strength I was going to get through it!
God doesn’t cause suffering and pain in people’s lives. We have pain and suffering because we live in a sinful and broken world. That is why we will never go without struggles. God intended us to live perfect lives, but when sin entered the world it destroyed that perfection. There can only be perfection when there is no sin and that will have to wait until heaven. God doesn’t cause you to hurt, but He can take your hurt and make something good from it. It amazes me the great things God does with my suffering. As much as I hate it, I do admit, God does amazing things with it. There is hope in knowing that this world is not our home. There is better yet to come! Jesus reminds us of this in John 16:33. He is speaking to His disciples, encouraging them to be strong no matter what trouble they might encounter. He says, “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” Remember that scripture. I referenced it at the beginning of this post. I used to always focus on the struggle portion of that scripture, but what I now focus on, is the hope I have in the fact that Jesus has overcome the world. God grieves with us, He doesn’t want to see us suffer, but He reminds us that because of Him there is hope. He overcame the world and because of that we have something to look forward to. We have greater things in store in our life yet to come. It is that eternal perspective that I learned to cling to during my struggles. When I keep my focus on God, I find hope and peace in the midst of my suffering! Seriously, who is able to do that in someone's life? It is amazing how God makes the impossible…. Possible!! All praise, honor and glory goes to the Lord Almighty!
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Romans 8:18
Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later.
Isaiah 41:10
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
2 Corinthians 4:8-9
We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed.
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