We often get comfortable with our faith and never enter into the joy of pursuing God personally. It can be intimidating to seek God personally, it was for me in the beginning. It felt intimidating for many reasons... and actually I could write a whole blog post on those reasons, but for the sake of keeping things short, I will only name a few. The main reason was, I wasn’t familiar with the bible or prayer. I also didn't want to think too deep. It was easier to stay on the surface. Spiritual stuff made me uncomfortable. When I would go to church or hear spiritual stuff, I often realized things about myself I didn't like or I'd have to think about things that made me uncomfortable. I often felt like "hiding" from God was the easiest, but when I finally stopped hiding and took that step of faith in seeking God, the intimidation dissipated and all that was left was pure excitement for the Lord!
I remember what my life looked like just a short time ago. Maybe four or five years ago now. My life had little indication that I was pursuing God. I didn’t have the motivation to seek God and did the very minimal with my faith, I went to church only when we had the energy to get out of the house, I only prayed when I remembered (not often), and I read my bible zero percent of the time. I had a strong faith in Christ and what He did on the cross. I believed I was saved by grace through my faith in Christ. I knew I was a child of God, but I often stayed content with just getting by with that. I didn’t realize I could have so much more. I went to church on Sundays, but never did anything else to grow my relationship with God. I often wanted a deeper trust in the Lord and wanted a more personal relationship, but I just didn’t know how to attain it and to be honest, I didn’t have the motivation even if I could figure out how to attain it. I guess I just wanted it to happen without having to do any work. Like working out, I wish I didn’t have to workout to stay in shape, but it just doesn’t work that way. Same with my spiritual life, I couldn’t just sit back and hope that somehow my relationship and trust in God would grow without any action on my part, it just wasn’t possible. I thought attending church on Sundays was all that I needed to grow my relationship with God, but I was very wrong. If I wanted to grow closer to the Lord and trust Him the way I desired to, I would have to start seeking Him personally.
The thing is, it wasn’t that easy to just start pursuing God personally. I had a lot of roadblocks. First, I was not motivated. Second, I was very insecure about my knowledge of scripture. Third, I had NO IDEA how to pray. Do you really just talk to God (weird). Fourth, I hated reading the bible. Fifth, when I did try and pray it was boring. Sixth, I had little interest in anything that had to do with Christianity (and I was a Christian, what!?! I know right...YIKES). Seventh, I had an enemy who wanted to keep me from God. The odds were definitely stacked against me.
Well..... some might think so (I sure did), but actually they really weren’t, only because I had the power of the Spirit. There is nothing more powerful than God’s strength. In His timing and only in His perfect way, he slowly knocked down the "roadblocks" that were keeping me from Him. Before I knew it, my sights were completely on Him and I was passionately pursuing Him with my whole heart. Still to this day, that amazes me. I live every day in gratitude for what He has done in my life and in my heart. Remember, when you have Christ on your side, the odds are NEVER stacked against you. With Christ as your strength those roadblocks, lows, insecurities, rough patches, those things do not have the power……..Christ does!! Keep your focus on Christ and keep pushing forward, with Christ as your strength, you will prevail!
I often questioned those people that would say," I did it in God's strength" or "It was God who gave me strength". I obviously didn't question them out loud, but in my head I would think, these people are wacky. Come on now, what does that even mean to have God's strength (weird). I often brushed the idea aside because I literally thought those people were nuts. I didn’t know a God that could give me strength. This was always my motto, "If I didn't experience it, I didn't believe it." I was NEVER a believer in miracles or in God's strength. The irony is, in God's perfect timing, I would be on the other side. I would be the one experiencing God's strength in my life and let's just say it wouldn't be an easy road. God would soon show me the power I had in Him, but it would be during the most trying few years of my life. I would describe it as “learning the hard way", like most strong willed and stubborn people..... I had to learn the hard way. God had to allow me to destroy my own life (by doing things my way) before He could build me back up in His strength. He would teach me in these very trying years what it meant to seek him with my whole heart. It took desperation and humility to finally produce in me a teachable heart. I am grateful for the suffering I endured because it taught me what it looked like to seek God.
It was during the lowest most defeating time in my life, that I found God in the most personal way I had ever experienced in my life. I was weeping on the bathroom floor alone and desperate. It was during that prayer that I heard, “Kara you don’t have to do this alone. I can be your strength.” This was the moment something switched in me. I had hope for the first time in many years. It was at the lowest point of my life, when I was the weakest, that God made me realize I had strength. It was obvious it wasn't going to be in my own strength, it would be God's strength. I had the power in Christ to prevail and to break free from the bondage of sin. I didn't have to be who I thought I would always be. I could change.
Change wouldn't come from manufacturing it, it would come only when I decided to seek God. It was very obvious trying to change in my own strength was not working. I didn't have the power to stop my anger. I needed more than my own strength..... I needed God's. This was a new revelation. I had never realized where I was going wrong before. This knew knowledge would change my life forever. It all started with me screaming at God on the bathroom floor and ending in the most raw, soul deep prayer of my life. In that moment I realized I didn't want to do life alone anymore. I promised God that I would start seeking Him and that I would never stop. I begged God to change me, I told him I would do anything, ANYTHING. In that moment, I understood. There was no uncertainty, it was clear what I needed to do. I would have to seek after God and live in obedience to Him. I could not dabble in the Christian life anymore. I needed to go all in. That decision was an easy one to make, my life, family, kids, marriage and much more was at stake. I didn't hesitate, I was ALL IN!
In those years that I struggled, I was trying so hard in my own strength to be patient. I obviously know now, that patience isn’t something you can manufacture. If you have a bad temper, you cannot just become patient by taking a class, reading a book or working really hard to stop. That goes with anything you struggle with, drug addiction or alcoholism, jealousy, compulsive eating or shopping, lying, stealing, etc.. You might see small victories, but you will need God strengths if you want to be freed from the chains that are keeping you prisoner. I tried for years to be a more patient person and to not let my anger consume me, but I never could. I would have small victories, but would fall back into my sin soon enough. It was only when I found my strength in Christ that I was able to break free from the bondage of sin. I am no longer the person I used to be. Do I still lose my temper occasionally, of course, but since that day on the bathroom floor things are different. My anger no longer has power over me anymore and that makes a huge difference. Before I relied on Christ for my strength, I was in bondage to my temper.
I feel like I have a choice now. Before I never did. I would lose my temper and never think twice about it.... until the guilt came. Now it's different. I hear a voice inside me every single time now. I never heard that before I started seeking God personally. I often here, “STOP, you have a choice” and at that point I can choose to walk away and close my mouth or indulge in the flesh. Before relying on Christ for my strength, I felt like I was always indulging in the flesh. I would go off without hesitation. I never even heard a voice. I never felt I even had a choice, it would just come out. That is the major difference when you are trying to change in your own strength and when you are allowing God to be your strength.
I’m still working on obeying that voice deep in my soul. It’s that obedience to God’s stirring in your heart or voice in your head that will lead you in the right direction. I no longer feel weak when it comes to my temper. In the past, God never seemed present in those moments of anger, but now it is different. I hear Him loud and clear! I have a choice each time I lose my temper. Will I choose God or will I choose the easy path? Let me just make it clear, It isn't easy to choose God, but unfortunately I always made that as an excuse. It wasn't until I learned the importance of remaining in scripture and in prayer, that I found victory over my sin. That is why and how I have the power in those moments of anger. My power is in Christ. I’ve never felt more strength than in those moments of anger where I stop.... and walk away.
God wants us to thrive here on earth, he doesn’t want us to just get by. I often lived barely getting by. I was often depressed, anxious, fearful, impatient, or angry. It was rare that I actually really enjoyed life. I wasn’t living in victory, but rather letting sin control my life. This life wasn’t joyful, but rather somewhere I was stuck. It wasn’t until God showed me a different way of living that made life so much more fulfilling. The mentality that life would someday get better if I kept working hard at the things I desperately wanted, only left me worse off. The harder I worked to fix my marriage, my husband, myself or my children, those things only got more messy. When I tried in my own strength and tried my own way, I was always left defeated. Nothing ever changed. God knows what we need, He knows how to change things. He knows what our children need and our spouses need. He knows the bigger picture. We only see what's happening in the moment, but God sees our future and He knows our past. He knows exactly what we need, we just have to stop trying to fix things and start seeking Him, trusting that He will change our hearts and our lives the more we seek Him.
What changed my life was FINALLY staying discipline in learning God’s word. I didn’t like reading but still found ways to learn God’s word. I watched Christian videos and attended bible study, over time I found I enjoyed Christian books, learning God’s word in other ways helped me make the transition to finally reading the bible on my own. As long as I sought to learn God’s word, God was working in my heart. I didn’t learn God’s word by just picking up a bible and reading it from front to back, I learned in so many other ways. I learned from church, from other Christians, from videos, from books, from christian blogs, from hearing people’s testimonies. I was seeking out ways to learn God’s word and just that little bit of discipline and action God used to change my life. God cannot work when we don’t take any action. I stayed complacent in my faith for many years because I never took action. I went through the motions and never took any steps of faith. I never went out of my comfort zone. We all have free will and God can only work when we use our free will to take action. When we start seeking, that’s when things start getting crazy good!
In the last few years, my life has completely changed. It started with a small step of faith and from there only snowballed into something amazing, something I could never have imagined. In my past I always wanted to know God more personally or wanted to know that He actually existed. I often thought I would find God by attaining knowledge of the bible. I thought the more I learned the more I would get to know God, but that’s just not how I found God or discovered He was real. Knowledge of the bible is great, but you can have the whole bible memorized and still not know God personally. It wasn’t until I stopped trying to attain knowledge and rather sought God with my heart that I actually found Him. I was never able to find God when I searched for Him with my mind, but only when I searched for Him with my heart. It wasn’t until I experienced God personally that I became a true believer. You will never be able to trust God in a way that brings peace, joy and comfort until you experience what He can do in your life personally. For him to be able to do anything in your life you will have to chase after Him and pursue Him with your whole heart. That’s the game changer. When you start seeking, you will find what you are looking for! God makes it very clear in one of my favorite scriptures, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” Jeremiah 29:13
Proverbs 8:17
"I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me."
Chronicles 16:11
"Search for the Lord and for his strength; continually seek him."
Romans 6:6
We know that our old sinful selves were crucified with Christ so that sin might lose its power in our lives. We are no longer slaves to sin
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