I was consumed by these thoughts,
What are you doing here, you aren’t worthy
Why did you join, you don’t measure up
You don’t fit in, you never will
You should quit, it would be much easier
Why are you even doing this, just stay in your comfort zone
Sorry…. but you just aren’t enough
There it is, the thought that haunts me constantly....
you just aren’t…
ENOUGH
I thought I was making progress, I thought I was learning how to persevere, I thought I was finally finding more of an inner confidence, but I found myself sinking and sinking FAST! I had felt God leading me to step out in faith and so I did, but to be honest I expected to walk on water, NOT SINK.
This little testing of my faith had me questioning, Do I really trust you Lord? Do I really believe you will equip me? Or have I been only trusting in myself? I’ve heard it so many times before, "In your weakness God will be your strength" In Corinthians it says, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." I pretty much have that scripture memorized, but do I believe it? That morning as I balled my eyes out I felt God’s comforting presence. I could almost hear Him saying “Kara, don’t you trust me?”
I wanted to scream, NOOOOO…. I DON’T….and I’m sorry…. The defeated look in my eyes would have said it all. I wanted to trust, I so badly wanted to trust, but I knew I couldn't manufacture it. Saying I trust and actually trusting are far different. I never have a problem trusting when things are going great in my life, but when I’m thrown a curve ball and the waves are crashing in on me, it's not so easy to trust anymore. I think that’s the point though. It’s in these moments I've learned to go to God and ask him to teach me how to trust Him.
It’s often when I feel overwhelmed, unequipped, full of fear, anxiety, self-doubt and insecurity that God somehow always shows up. The one thing I’ve learned over the last couple years is, I can’t change my emotion and that’s okay, but I do NOT have to allow it to lead me. That day I decided I was going to trust in all the other times God showed up when I was feeling the same way. Even though it wasn't easy and it didn’t look pretty or perfect, I chose to trust in the Lord’s promises, not in my feelings. That’s one thing I do have control over. Even though I was a hot mess, I felt God’s presence in it all.
When I stay in my comfort zone too long, it is so easy to start relying on myself. To be honest it’s far easier to rely on your own strengths, but when I do that I never seem to build trust in the Lord. It’s when I step out in faith that God teaches me what trusting looks like. It’s how He teaches, by allowing us to feel and experience Him. I need to hold onto that truth because often when I feel the waves taking me under I question my faith and I question the Lord’s strength. It's far easier to do things that I feel equipped to do, but when I am put in a situation that is out of my control or out of my comfort zone I need to remember Jesus saying, “Don’t be afraid,” “Take courage. I am here!” Matthew 14:27 It’s in those times of trial, in suffering, in weakness or self doubt that God is waiting for us to come to Him so He can be our strength.
Lets Go Deeper
*Take sometime to pray. Where is God leading you to take a step of faith? Is He asking you to trust Him in a certain area?
*The best way to hear from God and know how He wants you to live is to know what His Word says. Dig into scripture!
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