As our daughter peeked over my shoulder last night she was curious about what I was writing. You know that little lady needs an answer for everything. I told her it was our anniversary and that Daddy and I were going to be married nine years tomorrow. That wasn’t a sufficient answer, she kept pressing me about what I was writing. I told her I was writing to you, but she insisted on knowing about what. I couldn’t think of what to say so I just told her it was a love letter. I didn’t expect to get the reaction I did. You should have seen her face, she was giddy with excitement ! “A love letter for Daddy!!! Are you going to give it to him tomorrow? I promise I won’t tell!”
“Yes," I said " I’ll give it to him tomorrow, but Shhh, don’t tell!”
I know you thought I was blogging, but what I was really doing was writing you a "love letter" .... .. 😉 Here's what I was writing...
I know I'm not quite the same person you married nine years ago. Not sure that’s a good thing or a bad thing..
Bahaha…(Okay now I’m laughing at my own joke, which I know doesn't surprise you).. ...
Starting a “love letter” off with a joke, pretty sure that’s NOT how you write one, but I think you will agree being “romantic” is not my strong suit .... Actually staying on topic is not my strong suit either #oops #IJustRealized #ImdoingItagain 🙄
Anyways….
As you’ve noticed I've gotten a “tad bit” spiritual the last few years. PS. Thanks for bearing with me. I know you’ve seen a change in me, but I'm not sure I've ever told you what drove me to seek the Lord in the first place. To be honest it was desperation. Deep down I've always wanted to change, I’ve always wanted to be less selfish, more patient, and most of all I’ve wanted to love better. The thing is, I could never figure out how to do that. It was the feelings of failure I felt as a wife and a mother that left me with very few options, so I figured my best option was to seek the Lord. I wasn’t too thrilled at first, believe me… The bible, praying, yeah not my thing. I can imagine you were surprised when it ended up becoming “my thing” LOL🤨...Don’t worry, I was too...The thing is, I wanted to change so desperately because I loved you and the kids so much. I wanted to be able to love you guys better, but no matter how hard I tried I could NEVER change. I wanted to give you more than I knew how to give and the two toughest things that stood in my way were my temper and my selfishness… I often thought to myself, “How in the world do you even change those kind of things?” The task was proving to be impossible, I kept trying, but never seemed to succeed.
You know how driven my personality is, I will work hard until I achieve what I want. I’ve done that my whole life. I’ve strived to be a better student, basketball player, artist, teacher, but when we got married and then had kids there was more at stake. I realized what I wanted was to love better, but I didn’t know how. My temper and selfishness often consumed me, but I didn’t know any other way. I desperately wanted to give you and the kids my best, but my best just wasn’t that good. After years of struggling I finally realized that my hard work and my strong will were quite useless when it came to loving better. So that’s when I finally “prayed” to God. I put that in quotations because the prayer started with me screaming at Him #yikes #temperProblems. I begged Him to change me, but most of my heart doubted that He actually could. I screamed at Him for not helping me, but in the end I finally admitted that I needed Him. I’m glad you were not home during this prayer. Hahaha. I was praying out loud and I am certain you would have thought I was losing it. Maybe I was… Regardless of how ugly my prayer was, it has proven to be one of the most powerful prayers of my life. For the first time EVER after praying that prayer I realized what I needed was something I couldn’t give myself. I’ve always been self sufficient and you could imagine how much I hated the thought of not being able to do something on my own. This was the first time I admitted to myself and to God that I needed help.
In time I learned that no amount of willpower would be able to change my heart. It was the Lord that would have to do that. When I started seeking Him everything started to change. In the last few years it has become obvious that there is no one better to learn from than the One who knows only perfect love. God is the only one qualified or capable of teaching anyone how to love better. As I continue to seek Him I’ve slowly seen a change in who I am. I actually have hope that I can be the wife and mother I’ve always wanted to be. It’s because of Him that I have that hope. It’s because of Him that I am learning how to love better. My desire is to learn how to love unselfishly. I want to be able to put my needs aside in order to meet yours. I want to learn how to love when it's not easy.I want to learn how to love regardless of circumstances. That's one reason I seek the Lord so desperately, He is teaching me how to fight for us.
You know I am capable of writing you a full novel, haha! …but I know you hate reading, so for your sake I will stop adding more to this post… and will end with this…. Through the highs and the lows, the good and the bad, I promise I will never stop fighting for you my love ❤😘 xoxo… Happy Anniversary! I love you so much!
Thanks for putting up with all my crazy!!
#youDeserveAMedalOrSomething 😂 #LoveYouLots #YoureStuckWithMeForever #YouLuckyDog #ICantBelieveIRememberdOurAnniversary #FirstTimeForEverything #IrememberedFathersDayToo #ImTwoForTwo #HappyFathersDay #Happy9thAnniversary #YouTrulyAreTheBestFatherAndHusbandEVER #ImALuckyLady #XOXO
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