I was caught of guard a few weeks ago while in a conversation with my son about his naughty behavior. ...
I had asked him, “Why have you been picking on your sister so much and why does it seem like it’s your goal every day to try and make her cry"......I was not expecting what came next....
“Because I want to mom, I like it”
OH LORD help me…
I actually just stared at him for a few seconds in disbelief… and was thinking to myself....
BOY you ought to check your heart.. . #SMH
I'm not sure why I was so surprised. I guess part of me didn't want to admit that my child’s heart was less than pure. Like most, I want obedience, love, patience and kindness in our home.... But reality is….. that just doesn’t happen as often as I would like ….🙄....
I get it, real life just isn't that picture perfect....as much as I would like it to be, I know in this lifetime I will never see perfection in my home, in my children, in my spouse or in myself. That truth frustrates me more than anything...it probably always will, but at the same time it shows me and my family how desperately we need the Lord.
That being said, I have a confession for you:
Before I was a parent, I always had this idea in my head that I could mold my children into who I wanted them to be..... I was going to be the perfect mom (awwwww)♥️
.... Then Jett was born... 🤣
(FYI I'm laughing out loud right now)....
My plan backfired very quickly... and it didn't take long before he proved my theory to be absolutely absurd ....bahaha... !!
(Jett is my strong willed child)
I don't mean I wanted to control what they liked or the activities they joined, but I thought I had control over how I built up their character...I thought I could somehow produce in their hearts more empathy, humility, patience, kindness, unselfishness, more forgiveness and love, but as each year passed I realize how little control I had when it came to what was lying deep in the hearts of my children.
As imperfect people it becomes quite difficult to parent imperfect children. The struggle is so real...I’m living it….As parents we all do the best that we can for our children, in hopes that we don't mess then up too bad..
Well ...maybe that's just my goal.. setting the standard pretty high, I know ...🤦♀️haha!
But for real, parenting is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I often get overwhelmed with the thought, “Am I doing it right?.... Or…. “ Am I doing it good enough?”..... I know I fall short in my parenting daily. There are times I let my frustration and anger get the best of me. I can get selfish with my time. I say things I regret and then there are those nights I lay in bed and think, Oh man I really messed that up...
The hard days often force me to my knees and I often find myself praying for strength and forgiveness. In those moments of prayer as I pour my heart out to the Lord, He reminds me that this life isn’t about perfection, about getting it right, or always doing good. It’s not about us, but it’s about Him.
It's easy to get focused on ourselves. Am I doing it right, am I good enough, did I make any mistakes? But when I take my focus off myself and turn my focus on the Lord He gives me peace that He has things under control. He gives me hope that even though I am weak, make mistakes and fall short, He doesn’t. I can trust that when I go to Him, He will provide for me all that I need.
The Lord doesn't want from us perfection, our good works, or a life filled with no mistakes, what He wants is our heart. He wants us to seek Him and know Him. The Lord has to remind me often that what my children need is not a perfect mother, but rather a perfect Savior... a relationship with a perfect God. That reminder always lifts a heavy burden for me because I know that I am constantly falling short and cannot always give my children all that they need.
I am limited in how I can provide for them, but the Lord is not. I’ve seen how He has provided for me over the years, providing for me in a way that my husband and family couldn’t. Changing my heart in a way I could never do in my own strength. God has the power to change the hardest of hearts, growing us in humility, empathy, patience, self control, unselfishness and greatest of all… He grows us in our love for others. He produces in our hearts the peace, joy, and contentment that only He can provide. I don’t have the power to change the hearts of my children building them up in character, nor can I give them the peace, joy or contentment I know their souls crave.
What I want, what I want for my family is to have hearts that love people better, hearts that can empathize with the brokenhearted….. that are patient with those that frustrate us….. hearts that can forgive those that hurt us most... And hearts that aren't selfish, so we can care for others more than we care for ourselves….
See, I understand that I... nor anyone in my family is capable of loving this way in our own strength, but I do trust and believe that if we seek the Lord He has the power to create in us a heart that loves better.
Perfection is no longer my goal, but seeking the Lord and leading my kids to the Lord is now my top priority. Seeking God doesn’t somehow make me perfect, it doesn't make me less of a sinner, or make me better than anyone, but actually to the contrary....it shows me how far I fall short, how weak I am, how much I lack, and how desperately me and my family need the Lord.
I may be weak Lord, but I know your spirit is strong in me, My flesh may fail….But God I know you never will
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