As I sat on our deck and watched my son get filthy as he rolled around and played in the dirt, I couldn't help but notice the pure joy that lit up his smile. He couldn't stop talking about how much he loved the feeling of the dirt on his skin. I was amazed at how he could relish in something so very simple. I remember those days as a kid, when I’d ride my bike over to the river by our house and wade through it, marveling at all the little treasures I found along the way. I want to get back to that, I want to live more simple, more content, I want the kind of joy my son displayed as I watched him roll around in the dirt and delight in the Lord’s creation.
I’m not sure when things began changing, but at some point there was a transition and I seemed to have inadvertently fallen into the rat race of life....the striving, the competing, the comparing, the desire for more and better… The constant busyness, all the activities…That was my way of life for so long. I'm not sure how I ended up there, but I was constantly striving to achieve and attained more and that was the pursuit that constantly kept me busy. I thought that lifestyle was the definition of living life to the full, so I kept at it. I enjoyed the sense of accomplishment I felt as I attained and achieved more. It felt so rewarding and the gratification I felt was addicting. It made me feel so good….
It all seemed like a good plan, it was working for me for the most part, but there was a catch….. I mean, it seemed okay in the moment, but that’s the thing, it only felt good temporarily and then the "feel good" moments were gone. They were only temporary and those things I chased and pursued only gave me satisfaction for a limited amount of time. I relied on my circumstances, my achievements, all that I attained to give me a sense of purpose, value, self worth, so when my circumstances weren’t pleasant or when I wasn’t attaining all that I wanted and wasn't achieving my goals that's when I began to sink. The anxiety, the funks, lack of purpose, lack of joy, the discontentment it would settle in. When life didn't "feel good" I felt desperate to feel good again, so I'd find something else to set my sights on. I'd start a new diet program, workout regimen, I'd buy new things for the house, find a new hobby. I'd essentially "start over" and I'd plan to lose weight, organize my house, remodel it, get a new wardrobe, I was so desperate to find the stability I craved, to gain control of my life, and to experience contentment, but time and time again my plan seemed to fail me.
When I think back on my old life, I can see how addicted I was to the feel good moments. A great example is how I used to LOVE shopping, I mean it was so exciting for me, but only because of the feeling I got when I bought new things. I see that now, it wasn’t the shopping I loved, it was the temporary satisfaction I felt. I was always chasing that high. It was like a drug, I couldn’t stop because I loved the feeling it provided, but the feeling always faded and I was left discontent with a soul that craved something more. The shopping high, like all the other highs we feel only last for a short time and before we know it, we need to go back to that "something" so we can feel that high again. I see that same temptation happening with my kids. I see it in how they only enjoy their new toys for a short time and when the excitement wears off, they want more…they want better….
I can relate to that temptation and there was a point in my life when I had to ask myself " Kara, will there ever be an amount that will ever fully satisfy? I kept striving so hard, but no number on the scale or in the bank account was ever good enough, it was for a little bit, but not for long. No amount of new clothes or home decor items ever met the requirement. I could never please enough people or attain enough success because when I'd get to where I wanted I just wanted more. I could never find contentment unless I was attaining or achieving more and better ... which leads me to believe I never really had true contentment… contentment isn't the same as temporary satisfaction or feel good happy moments and I never understood that until I experienced what real contentment felt like.
Our souls long for more than what this world has to offer. Even the greatest things in this life, like our family and friends, even the blessing God gives us will never satisfy. Let me say that again, even the best things in this life, the things we prayed for, the blessings, gifts and talents God gives us, none of it will ever satisfy. The Lord himself is the only One who is able to provide for us in a way that is not temporary, He is the only one who can satisfy that emptiness we feel lingering underneath the surface. He's the only one who can provide for us the love, guidance, peace, sense of purpose, value, hope and contentment our souls crave.
My goals no longer revolve around losing weight, having a nicer home, fitting in, being accepted, attaining more money or achieving more success, those were my old goals, but the last few years my goals have drastically changed and now I can confidently say my number one priority in this life is to seek more of the Lord. I want to know Him better and grow in being dependent on Him. I say that because my eyes are finally open to the fact that there is nothing in this world that can provide for me like the Lord can. Why would I continue to chase after it? There isn’t anything here that will ever be enough. I've spent too many years seeking and chasing after not only material things, but friendships so I could feel accepted, a husband so I could feel loved, children so I would feel needed and valued, success so I could feel worthy, I was looking for anything to satisfy the emptiness. I wanted something that would make me feel content, satisfied, fulfilled. I was desperate to find something that would provide for me what my soul craved, but I never found that in this world because only the Lord can provide for us all that we need.
I can say all this with confidence now, but don’t let me fool you, just a few years ago I had a very different perspective. I was skeptic, a doubter and my faith was weak. I thought that doing anything more than just going to church on Sunday was a bit too "holy roller". I didn't want to be like "that", like "them". The spiritual folks I thought they took it all a bit too seriously and the spiritual stuff and people always made me feel super uncomfortable. The spiritual talk, the God stuff it all sounded foreign to me and it’s not like I wasn’t going to church, I went and half the sermons were way over my head. If someone would have written what I just wrote and I would have read it a few years ago I would have been like, what the heck are you talking about? I promise you, all the God talk sounded like nonsense to me, I didn't get it…. .
That was just a few years ago and that is still crazy to me. What He's done in my life since, has literally left me in awe. He took someone like me ME? A doubter, a skeptic, one of very little faith and He taught me how to trust, to have faith and He created in me a passion and love for Him that still makes me wonder, how did you do that? That's the thing though, He works in the ordinary lives, those that are lost and struggling like I was. He shows up, he really does. You don't have to be some super religious or a spiritual person for God to work. I was nothing...a nobody crying on my bathroom floor at my rock bottom. That's where I first experienced the Lord. He will show up if you call on Him. He meets you where you are. He'll work with what He has, believe me... if He can work in my crazy chaos, He can work in anyone's life!
Yes, there were many obstacles in my way and I had no idea what it looked like to "seek the Lord”, but I kept pushing through, I kept being intentional with my time as I learned how to dig deep into the scriptures and figure out how the heck to pray. I had to start at the bottom and God He walked along side of me the whole time. He helped me figure out what it looked like to seek Him. The most important thing I feel the Lord has shown me, is that He wants our whole heart, not our left over time. He doesn’t want us to seek out of guilt, nor does He want us to feel obligated. He wants us to genuinely seek to find Him and know him and do it with our whole heart.
Now that I’ve experienced the contentment, peace and joy the Lord can provide, there is no way I would ever go back to my old way of living. It’s hard to explain in words, but once you’ve experienced what the Lord has to offer, you’ll never want to settle for the temporary satisfaction the world offers. The Lord, He’s the answer to all that I’ve ever wanted. He’s shown me what real contentment, peace and joy feel like. That's why I seek with so much passion, I long to know Him better and to experience all He has for me.
I am forever grateful Lord, for all that you have done in my life.
All the praise, honor, and glory ALWAYS goes to you 🙌♥️
2 Corinthians 4:18
fix (your) eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
Matthew 16:26
And what do you benefit if you gain the whole world but lose your own soul? Is anything worth more than your soul?
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