The last few days I’ve been thinking about the night time talks I have with my children and how I feel such a deep connection with them as we share from the heart. I’ve been realizing there is something special and something that connects us as humans when we go beyond the surface. I know it’s easier and much safer on the surface. It’s that darn fear of judgement or fear of what others might think that keep us from sharing what’s on our hearts. Being fully you, not the “surface” you, is so scary….but I’ve realized that when I give in to that fear, it not only prevents me from being who I was created to be, but it also prevents me from experiencing the Lord more fully. When we let fear stop us from opening our hearts I feel like we miss out. I feel like our souls crave more depth, more authenticity and lately I’ve been wondering if it is even possible to experience or show love in its greatest form when we never go beyond the surface?
Personally I’ve experienced God’s power the most as I've learned to seek Him and love others more vulnerably. I haven't always lived that way mostly because I never knew how. It's not “normal” or very popular in our society. I had become comfortable in the superficial way I lived and loved that I never knew there was any other way to do it. As I study the scriptures I’ve been realizing that biblical love looks nothing like the superficial lovey, dovey, hugy, kissy, great sex life kind of love we see portrayed in our society. Love isn't a feeling, but so much more than that. The most recent way I’ve experienced God’s love was when I came alongside a friend of mine who was suicidal. Instead of walking away from the messiness, I chose to love her fully. That didn’t mean I started quoting scripture to her or talking to her on a surface level, but rather choosing vulnerability. I spoke from the depth of my heart about my own struggles with depression and the darkness I’ve also walked through. I told her she was not alone, that not only was God right by her side, but that I was there for her always. I told her how much I loved her and we wept in each others arms.
There are so many people struggling each and every day with the darkness that exists in this world, but they put on their happy face and walk in the darkness alone. The lack of vulnerability in our society can often make us feel alone, which is a dark place to be. I’ve been there, I’ve felt the darkness and loneliness when you think you are struggling alone. I’ve also experienced the fear and embarrassment of not wanting to open up about my struggles. Everyone has struggled some way or some how, but we often hide it in fear of what others might think. When I was at my lowest the Lord was the first One I went to. I was too embarrassed to admit to anyone else what I was struggling with. That prayer would prove to be the most powerful prayer of my life. That raw and desperate plea, the way I poured my heart out to the Lord telling Him how badly I needed Him was the first step in realizing how powerful vulnerability, humility and speaking from the heart really was.
The last few years I've felt God softly nudging me to step out in faith and love others more vulnerably. God has not only shown me that my relationships need more depth, but that my faith needs to be less surfacy. I used to have a superficial faith where I would say the right “spiritual words” and go through the right motions, but never would I EVER speak from the heart or speak openly about my struggles. I never loved vulnerably and never lived authentically and I’m pretty sure my superficial faith was not very appealing. That kind of faith had no power and benefitted no one. I stayed on the surface, but when I did that I never experienced God's power and neither did anyone else. God’s love and power is best displayed in our weaknesses and struggles. I haven’t figured out any other way of sharing or describing to people God’s power and love for them other than speaking vulnerably about my own sin struggles and telling them what God has done in my own life.
I’ve experienced the weight and darkness of sin as I struggled for a long time with my anger. My own will to stop was not enough. I didn’t have the strength, but I would soon learn that the Lord did. That’s the power I want others to experience and hear about. If I was too afraid to tell people of my struggles I wouldn't be able to tell them about God strengths and about how He helped me in my struggle with sin. I don't want to deprive people of that knowledge. I always thought I’d have to live in the darkness of my sin forever, but it was the Lord who saved me from myself. I often wonder who I would have become if I would have continued down that dark path of indulging in my anger. I know it would have kept getting darker and darker and I often shed tears of gratitude as I thank the Lord for saving me.
We all have our areas of weakness and sin, but I feel my responsibility as a Christ follower is to be vulnerable enough to share that. In my college years (when I didn’t know the Lord) I never once met anyone especially a Christian who admitted to struggling. I would have felt such comfort knowing that those who seek the Lord struggle too. I would have been so encouraged and hopeful knowing the Lord was for me not against me. I wish I would have heard about the Lord's strength and how He could help us in our weakness. I wish I would have known the Lord was there to help me persevere and fight against the sin in my life, not to condemn and shame for it. What I needed was the Lord, but I was so turned off and disinterested by the superficial faith and religion I saw around me that I ran from God.
The people who acted perfect and spoke at me quoting the scriptures only pushed me away from the Lord. I saw through the fake, the disingenuous, the surface level faith. I often thought to myself... Why would I want that? Why would I want to be a Christian? It all seemed so fake…… People see through fake and I often thought the Lord was fake because people were, but I’ve discovered people don’t represent who God is. God is so much more than we can even imagine, so much bigger than our minds can comprehend. There is nothing fake about Him. I often ask myself, how are you representing the Lord Kara? Are others turned off by your faith? That thought challenges me on a daily basis to live more vulnerably.
I’m definitely no bible scholar and maybe I’m wrong, but I am convinced that humility, authenticity, and vulnerability are essential if we want to experience life and the Lord more fully. When I seek God from the depth of my heart I experience His presence, love and power in a deep and fulfilling way. That kind of connection is what I’ve always craved. Vulnerability starts in our relationship with God, but when we take that same vulnerability into our relationships with others there is a certain connection and love we feel that is so fulfilling. I highly doubt it’s a coincidence that the way we feel most connected with others is the same way we feel a connection with the Lord. Our creator is a relational God and we were created in His image. That makes us relational being. I feel like when we seek God deeply and wholeheartedly and love others vulnerably, we are able to experience life and the Lord's love more fully.
2 Corinthians 12:9
Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.
Deuteronomy 4:29
But from there you will search again for the Lord your God. And if you search for him with all your heart and soul, you will find him.
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