I never seemed to fit into this dog-eat-dog world where it seemed only the “fittest” were the ones that thrived. It was the confident, strong and bold ones that made it in this world. Unfortunately, I was not one of the strong ones. I came to realize early on in life that I was far from being one of the “fit”. I still remember the nights I would lay in bed and dream of being someone different, someone who was confident and strong. I would have done anything to be different from who I was. What I wanted was to believe in myself, to be bold, strong, I wanted to feel like I was good enough or worthy, but that was something I could never manufacture. What consumed me was fear, doubt and insecurity. It constantly plagued me and it was the one thing that always seem to stand in my way.
Growing up I had many people in my inner circle that could see where I struggled. They would often point out that I needed to be more confident, that I needed to believe in my self. As much as I appreciated them trying to help me, I already knew where I fell short. I just didn’t know how to provide for myself what I needed. I wanted confidence so desperately…I worked so hard to try and attain it, but no matter what I did, I couldn't seem to provide that for myself. That was the story of my life for so long, constantly lacking inner confidence, always doubting and never seeing my own value. My inner thought life plagued me daily and it interfered with everything in my life.
In athletics I never reached my full potential because my athleticism and work ethic could only get me so far. It was my weak mind, lack of confidence, and constant doubt that always derailed me. In college I dreamt of being an artist, an interior designer, or maybe even a graphic designer, but I ended up switching my major 3 times because I never thought I measured up. I would get started in a major and as I got deeper and deeper into it I would start noticing that everyone else was so much more talented than I was. I was literally convinced I would never be good enough at anything.
When I graduated college I couldn’t even get a job because every interview I had I bombed. I was so nervous I could hardly get my words out. I know everyone gets nervous to a point, but my anxious mind was debilitating. It was not normal and I knew that, but I could NEVER escape it. I remember my Mom giving me pep talks telling me to just relax, be confident, be myself.... but I couldn't. I tried so hard to calm down, believe in myself, be confident, so on and so forth, but no matter how hard I tried I could never be who I wanted to be. My anxious mind, my lack of confidence, the constant doubt…. It would NOT leave me. I was up against the worst odds EVER. I could see how hard it was for me to function in society. Living with such anxiety, fear and doubt was so crippling.
I thought it was going to be a relief when I decided to stay home with my kids instead of pursuing my career. I thought I could somehow escape everything that made me fearful or anxious, but that plan backfired. I couldn’t escape it and the doubt, worry and insecurity that crept in with parenting was hands down the MOST devastating of all. I had never experienced that kind of mental instability and it rocked my world. I didn’t see it at the time, but looking back I see how dysfunctional my thinking was, I see now how dark things started getting, but at the time that’s all I knew. I only knew what my mind was telling me or what the enemy whispered to me in my thoughts. You are weak, you have no value, you are a coward, and worthless. I was used to living that way, the negative self talk was who I was. I was who the enemy told me I was. I spent my whole life enslaved to my anxious mind, fear and doubt, I didn’t know there was any other way to live.
Until I started reading the scriptures….
Growing up I had many people in my inner circle that could see where I struggled. They would often point out that I needed to be more confident, that I needed to believe in my self. As much as I appreciated them trying to help me, I already knew where I fell short. I just didn’t know how to provide for myself what I needed. I wanted confidence so desperately…I worked so hard to try and attain it, but no matter what I did, I couldn't seem to provide that for myself. That was the story of my life for so long, constantly lacking inner confidence, always doubting and never seeing my own value. My inner thought life plagued me daily and it interfered with everything in my life.
In athletics I never reached my full potential because my athleticism and work ethic could only get me so far. It was my weak mind, lack of confidence, and constant doubt that always derailed me. In college I dreamt of being an artist, an interior designer, or maybe even a graphic designer, but I ended up switching my major 3 times because I never thought I measured up. I would get started in a major and as I got deeper and deeper into it I would start noticing that everyone else was so much more talented than I was. I was literally convinced I would never be good enough at anything.
When I graduated college I couldn’t even get a job because every interview I had I bombed. I was so nervous I could hardly get my words out. I know everyone gets nervous to a point, but my anxious mind was debilitating. It was not normal and I knew that, but I could NEVER escape it. I remember my Mom giving me pep talks telling me to just relax, be confident, be myself.... but I couldn't. I tried so hard to calm down, believe in myself, be confident, so on and so forth, but no matter how hard I tried I could never be who I wanted to be. My anxious mind, my lack of confidence, the constant doubt…. It would NOT leave me. I was up against the worst odds EVER. I could see how hard it was for me to function in society. Living with such anxiety, fear and doubt was so crippling.
I thought it was going to be a relief when I decided to stay home with my kids instead of pursuing my career. I thought I could somehow escape everything that made me fearful or anxious, but that plan backfired. I couldn’t escape it and the doubt, worry and insecurity that crept in with parenting was hands down the MOST devastating of all. I had never experienced that kind of mental instability and it rocked my world. I didn’t see it at the time, but looking back I see how dysfunctional my thinking was, I see now how dark things started getting, but at the time that’s all I knew. I only knew what my mind was telling me or what the enemy whispered to me in my thoughts. You are weak, you have no value, you are a coward, and worthless. I was used to living that way, the negative self talk was who I was. I was who the enemy told me I was. I spent my whole life enslaved to my anxious mind, fear and doubt, I didn’t know there was any other way to live.
Until I started reading the scriptures….
OH the scriptures….They started telling me a whole different story….a story of hope. I started realizing that the lies I was hearing in my head were just that… LIES… We are all aware of the physical battles we fight, but many are unaware of the spiritual battle that can wreaks havoc in our mind. The fight in the mind can not be fought with physical weapons, but only spiritual ones. The Lord has taught me that in order to fight the battle in my mind I'd have to start putting on the Armor of God daily. Ephesians reminds us to, “Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. 12 For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.”
The battle continues to be one I have to fight daily, but I know where my strength comes from and I’ve seen so much victory in my mind. My victory I credit to the Lord . I can say that because it wasn’t until I started seeking Him in scripture and in prayer that I was able to even stand a chance against the debilitating fear, doubt, and anxiety that I was up against daily. I sometimes still wake up fearful and anxious for no apparent reason. I hate that about myself. Some days I put my faith in myself, essentially relying on me to get me through the day, those days I struggle miserably. God has to continually remind me that I need to get up everyday not passively, but ready to fight. I need to put on His Armor and step out trusting that He’s got me. When I keep my focus on the Lord, I am like Peter in the bible, I walk on water. Those are the days I feel alive, confident, and ready for any obstacle that might stand in my way, but again like Peter… When I begin to turn my focus on myself, my fear, my struggle, any obstacle that stands in my way, I begin to sink.
At some point everyone comes to the end of themselves. We see that in our weak areas, when we cannot overcome something in our own power and strength. It begins to cripple us and many don’t know where to turn for strength and hope. I see it in the way we struggle with addictions like drugs, shopping, sex, alcohol, gambling, eating… I see it in our struggle with anger, greed, jealousy, selfishness, contentment. There are just some things we cannot escape in our own strength, I’ve been there and I’ve lost hope. ... but don’t believe the lie like I did for so long...that there is no hope… There is always hope when we put our trust in the Lord and when we turn our focus on Him. We can escape the chains that drag us under. It's only when we decide to get out of our own way and let God pave our path, that we will start seeing the miracles He can work in our lives. I’ve seen the victory being won in my mind. God’s truth was the only thing strong enough to set me free!
The battle continues to be one I have to fight daily, but I know where my strength comes from and I’ve seen so much victory in my mind. My victory I credit to the Lord . I can say that because it wasn’t until I started seeking Him in scripture and in prayer that I was able to even stand a chance against the debilitating fear, doubt, and anxiety that I was up against daily. I sometimes still wake up fearful and anxious for no apparent reason. I hate that about myself. Some days I put my faith in myself, essentially relying on me to get me through the day, those days I struggle miserably. God has to continually remind me that I need to get up everyday not passively, but ready to fight. I need to put on His Armor and step out trusting that He’s got me. When I keep my focus on the Lord, I am like Peter in the bible, I walk on water. Those are the days I feel alive, confident, and ready for any obstacle that might stand in my way, but again like Peter… When I begin to turn my focus on myself, my fear, my struggle, any obstacle that stands in my way, I begin to sink.
At some point everyone comes to the end of themselves. We see that in our weak areas, when we cannot overcome something in our own power and strength. It begins to cripple us and many don’t know where to turn for strength and hope. I see it in the way we struggle with addictions like drugs, shopping, sex, alcohol, gambling, eating… I see it in our struggle with anger, greed, jealousy, selfishness, contentment. There are just some things we cannot escape in our own strength, I’ve been there and I’ve lost hope. ... but don’t believe the lie like I did for so long...that there is no hope… There is always hope when we put our trust in the Lord and when we turn our focus on Him. We can escape the chains that drag us under. It's only when we decide to get out of our own way and let God pave our path, that we will start seeing the miracles He can work in our lives. I’ve seen the victory being won in my mind. God’s truth was the only thing strong enough to set me free!
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