I walked into my daughters room the other morning and discovered a new drawing on her marker board. At first I didn’t think much of it, but as the day went on I couldn’t help but to keep thinking back on it. As the picture kept coming to my mind, I began to realized that what I was seeing wasn’t just a picture, but a glimpse of what was on my daughters mind and in her heart. It actually brought me to tears, not the picture, but the realization that my daughters love for the Lord was overflowing in her artwork. She could have been drawing anything, but she chose Jesus. That's the thing, we all get to choose. We get to choose everyday what we put our focus on. I was encouraged to see, even if it was for a short time, that my daughters focus was where it ought to be, on Jesus.
I'm not going to lie, it has been very hard for me to get interested in putting my focus on spiritual things. I thought spiritual things were boring and highly unappealing and that's why I chose to spend my days focusing on other things. I've always been in search of something to focus on especially something that would provide me with purpose, joy, and contentment. I looked for it all over.... in my relationships, in my hobbies, in a career, in my volunteer work…I thought for sure these things would give me what I craved, but time and time again I was left disappointed when relationships shattered, hobbies became boring, and job after job left me without purpose.
I remember college being one of the loneliest and darkest times of my life. I was discontent, lacked purpose and was so extremely lonely. I wasn’t lonely because of lack of friends either, I had friends and even had my family in the same town. I couldn’t understand why I felt the way I did. I remember thinking that I was missing something, but I just couldn’t figure out what it was. I wanted what everyone else had, they all seemed happy and content, they all seemed to have found purpose in life. I suppose that’s probably why I tried to follow the crowd, maybe I thought if I had what they had I would find happiness too. I assumed everyone else had it all figured out. I spent my college days in search of something to put my focus on ...something that would fill the void I felt.
I thought I had found that "something" when I met Pete, who is now my husband. I spend all my time with him and month after month, year after year the void was filled, but in time I would find that the void was only filled temporary. It was when the “honeymoon” stage wore off and marriage became work that I realized that it wasn’t my husband who could fill the void..... what was wrong with him? After kids the same thing happened. What the heck? My own family wasn't making me happy... The feel goods only lasted temporarily and that’s where I kept finding myself........back at the bottom. It was crushing to come down from the highs and realize I was right back where I started. How could that be? I didn’t understand…
I was certain that if I just got married, had kids, had a successful career, attained nice material things, and so on and so forth, maybe the loneliness, sadness and discontent would go away, but none if it ever gave me what I was looking for. When my kids and husband couldn’t make me happy that’s when I started spiraling into a bad place. I felt like there had to be something wrong with me. I was a mom to two wonderful children and a wife to an amazing husband, yet I was so depressed, lonely, discontent, and lacked purpose. It wasn’t them, so it had to me. What was wrong with me? I felt so lost and confused and for many years I went through the motions living an empty life rather than living the one I was created for. I sat and watched the empty days pass before my eyes. I felt stuck and didn't know what to do and what direction to go.
It has only been in the last few years that I have been discovering that it is what we choose to focus on that ultimately determines who we become. When I chose to focus on the things of this world and not on the Lord my life was like a roller coaster ride of hitting highs and lows, nothing ever satisfied my soul. I often wonder if the lack of discontentment people feel in their marriage, lack of purpose in their careers, or lack of joy in parenting is because they are doing what I did. Trying to fill a spiritual void with physical things. I know personally that my problem was my focus. When my focus was wrong I kept trying to fill the emptiness with all the wrong things. It was only when I started seeking the Lord that I found what I was looking for.
When I say seeking the Lord I don't mean attending church, church didn't fill the void for me either. I mean seeking the Lord from the depth of my soul. That's when I experienced how He could provide for me all that I needed. He gave me a purpose, taught me what contentment looked like, has given me peace and has filled me with so much joy that it is hard to even explain. It’s better than happiness because happiness is just a feeling and it comes and goes, but the joy of the Lord is something that sits deep in the soul. It was when I started seeking the Lord that every single aspect of my life started falling into place. I realize now that what I was doing before wasn't living. I was barely surviving. I no longer live that life anymore and as I keep my focus on the Lord each and every day He teaches me how to live and love more passionately. He is teaching me how to walk in His will and is showing me who I was created to be. ❤️🙌
Psalm 27:4
The one thing I ask of the Lord—
the thing I seek most—
is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life
Psalm 40:16
May all who search for you
be filled with joy and gladness in you.
May those who love your salvation
repeatedly shout, “The Lord is great!”
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