Recently I had the opportunity to go on a missions trip to Guatemala. To some people that might sound awesome, but to the people out there like me, that sounds terrifying. I am a homebody and don’t like leaving my comfort zone. I’ve spent most of my life not taking any risks because I’ve been too scared. I also don’t like the feeling of being uncomfortable. Sounds like the perfect candidate for a missions trip huh? LOL…To be honest, I never thought I’d be able to get over the fear of going on a missions trip. In all honesty, I am afraid to call people on the phone half the time. People like me don’t go on missions trips. You are probably thinking, well how the heck did you make it to Guatemala then. That’s a great question. I frequently ponder the same thing. It’s an incredible story, life changing actually!
I will start from the beginning….
The last few years God has been working on my heart, changing my desires. He's been kind of "shaking up my life", If you wanna call it that. I've been slowly wanting more in life. I’ve been wanting to do things, like scary things. The problem was, I just didn’t feel capable. I thought only “religious people” or more confident people were the ones who went on missions trips, led bible studies, helped people, and did the things I wanted to do. I have always been so insecure and fearful. I could never imagine myself doing anything that was even slightly uncomfortable. I’ve always been the type of person that liked doing things my own way, paving my own path. Doing what I wanted and letting God come along for the ride. I began to realize, that just wasn’t working for me. I was constantly plagued with fear, anxiety and insecurity. Obviously what I was doing, was NOT working. My only other option was to see what God had planned for me. Maybe He had better plans. It’s humorous to think that I actually thought I had better plans than God. I still shake my head at that one.
Recently I have been slowly taking some risks in life, getting out of my comfort zone. Let me tell you, it hasn’t been easy. It seems so awesome when other people take steps of faith or take risks and achieve goals, but it ‘AINT VERY COOL’ when it’s YOU taking the risks. When other people step out of their comfort zone, they suck it up and act strong. Unfortunately I am a little different, I feel like I’m going to puke, my stomach isn’t right (if you know what I mean) I’m shaking, crying, mentally losing it, and in all honesty it’ s just not a pretty sight. I've been trying to let God lead, but wow…What the heck. He's got something with pushing you out of your comfort zone. I don’t really like that, but when I am finally finished, it is a total rush. It is always so fulfilling. I definitely have a love/hate relationship with leaving my comfort zone.
A few months ago, I was asked if I was interested in going to Guatemala. I wasn’t interested initially because I was comfortable and I really didn’t wanna mess with that. I liked being comfortable, but on the other hand comfortable was getting sort of boring. Like I said, God was shaking things up a bit. Staying in my comfort zone wasn’t enough anymore. I was getting a little restless. I decided I should probably pray about it, but in reality I never got around to doing that. Haha! Like I said before, I’ve been catching on to God’s plans. They are always outside my comfort zone. So Yea, I’m not proud of it, but I tried my best to avoid God.
I know, I know... You can’t avoid God. It’s like He’s in charge or something ;) LOL … This is where things just get way too crazy for me. Obviously, my efforts to avoid God didn’t work. The night before I had to make the decision to go to Guatemala I told my husband with tears in my eyes,“ I can’t go on the trip, I’m too scared, I will miss you guys too much, I don’t even want to go, and I am not strong enough anyway.” I pretty much came to the conclusion that I sucked at life. How dangerous is that, to believe such lies. Looking back I can see it for what it was, LIES, all lies I was believing. I had made my decision. I wasn’t going to go.
Well…….God had different plans for me. Shortly after falling asleep I woke in a panic at 3:00 AM. I couldn’t go back to sleep, I was so extremely anxious. I can’t even explain it. I woke up feeling a strong desire to go to Guatemala, but I was struggling with so many thoughts and fears. I wanted to go, but didn’t want to go (If that makes any sense) I was a hot mess. I didn’t know what I wanted. I was desperate to sort things out, so I FINALLY went to God in prayer. I wrestled through some scripture. So many emotions were coming to the surface. I was frustrated, sad, terrified, and confused. I kept praying and talking with God, expressing my concerns and letting my emotions out. I feel like every concern I brought to Him He had an answer for. I had scripture coming to mind that I didn’t even have memorized (how is that possible) I couldn’t explain it, IT WAS CRAZY. He was talking to me through His word. I was finally experiencing the power of scripture. I’ve heard about it, but hardly experienced much of it. I finally understood what it meant for His word to be living and active.
The interaction I had with God was one I never had before. It was intense and lasted for hours. When I finally got all my thoughts and concerns out in the open, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and confidence. I was going to do the trip and face my fear. I finally surrendered to my own ideas of what I wanted and decided to trust Gods plan and what he wanted. I gave in and told God, “I’m going to trust you, I will do it, I will go, but please show me why you want me to go. What are you trying to teach me?” And that was that. I felt at peace with my decision.
The next few month leading up to the missions trip was the time I felt God was teaching me the most. He was teaching me how to depend on Him. Mentally I was a wreck. I’ve never really been strong in the mind and usually let my thoughts get out of control and let anxiety win every time. I was forced to go to God every time I was feeling overwhelmed or anxious. I couldn’t go to anyone else, their words were very encouraging and helpful, but they were only temporary. I needed something solid and needed real confidence and courage. I needed to change from the inside out. I didn’t just need the temporary “feel good moments” I needed something that was lasting. I wanted to wake up and not feel fear and anxiety every single morning. The only place I could go was to God.
I was in prayer and in the scriptures a lot the months leading up to my trip. It was amazing how God somehow changed my heart and mind. A week before the trip, I was left feeling like nothing could stop me. I felt confident, bold, and courageous and had no fear. Seriously, I wish I knew how God changes hearts like that, so crazy! I didn’t do anything, besides remaining in prayer and reading His truth through scripture. I stopped trying in my own efforts to try and find confidence and just let God do His work in my heart. I was not a basket-case like I usually am. I was obviously a bit nervous, but it was a good nervous. I wasn’t breaking down mentally and wasn’t about to vomit. I was actually strong in the mind for once. WOW! The best part was, God answered my prayer, “Please show me why you want me to go on this trip, what are you trying to teach me?” He gave me the answer, dependence. He was teaching me what real dependence looked like. He was teaching me that He will equip me if I just trust in Him. If I go to Him for everything, He will not let me down.
My heart and mind are forever changed. I don’t have a superficial trust in what God can do for me anymore. I’ve experienced Him to the depth of my soul. I’ve felt the power and change He can do personally. He changed me, it’s real. I believe it even more now. This God stuff is REAL. When you can feel and experience God working in your life there is nothing more powerful. There is nothing that will bring you closer to God. That is why He wanted me to go on the trip. I get it now, He wanted me to feel and experience more intimacy and closeness with Him. He only wanted what was best for me. He only wanted to bless me and grow me closer to Him. If I would have decided not to go, I know God wouldn’t have been disappointed, but I would have missed an opportunity to feel and experience His power. I would have missed the blessing. I am no longer going to let fear stop me from experiencing the blessing and life God intended for me. I don’t want to miss out.
This trip was a huge step of faith for me. Maybe more like a flying leap. God knew how terrified I would be to take this trip. He knew I would have to be completely dependent on Him to do it. That's why He wanted me to go. I knew stepping out in faith didn’t mean doing something that came easy to me. Stepping out in faith was going to be terrifying. Stepping out in faith would mean putting aside my feelings, emotions, and what made sense to me and instead putting my trust in God. I would need to trust that God would take care of every single need. I’ll admit I was a little skeptical that God would be able to provide for all my needs. Seriously, I am a mess! That’s a lot of work! ….I’m not going to lie, I doubted His strength. The “God stuff” feels so weird sometimes, am I right? Sometimes I think to myself, is it all real... If I really think hard about it, it is mind blowing. My human mind can’t even comprehend all of it. Even though I will never understand it all in my brain, there is something so powerful when you personally experience God working in your life. He has taught me that I wasn’t made to be fearful, but I am a daughter of the most amazing King. He didn’t create me to be timid and insecure, but with His strength I can be so much more. I can be bold and courageous. I can face fear head on and conqueror it.
Those promises aren't just for me, they are for you too. I'm just an ordinary person with a ton of fears and a lot of anxiety. I'm the most unlikely candidate to be successful in facing fears and achieving my goals. If God is able to help me, He can help ANYONE, seriously anyone! Don't let the world define you. let God do that! His truths are real and will never leave you feeling like you aren't good enough. I've spent almost my entire life believing I wasn't good enough or strong enough. It was God who showed me who I really was. I am courageous, strong, bold and loved by the most amazing King. DO NOT believe the lies… you are good enough, strong enough and loved by God. Go out and face a few fears, Go out and live boldly, live courageously. I promise you, You won’t regret it!
Psalm 94:18-19
When I said, "My foot is slipping"
your unfailing love, Lord, suppored me.
When anxiety was great within me
Your consolation brought me joy
Isaiah 41:10
Don't be afraid, for I am with you.
Don't be discouraged, for I am your God
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
Psalm 56:3
When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
2 Timothy
For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of
power, love, and self discipline.
Philippians 4:6-7
Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done.Then you will experience God's peace , which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ
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