Hiding is so restricting and it requires so much effort. It can be fun to hide for a short time in a game like hide and seek, but in the reality of life, hiding is exhausting. It is human nature to hide. We don’t just hide from friends, family, and spouses, but we also hide from God. We all have weaknesses and we all struggle with things, yet no one wants to admit that they struggle. They often spend wasted energy putting up a fake perception of who they are. For most of my life I thought I was the only one who struggled with certain things in my life. I thought no one had fear or no one struggled with anxiety or depression. As a new mother I thought I was the only one who felt insecure and unequipped. In college, I thought I was the only one that felt lost. I’ve always felt alone in the struggles of life. There is something about knowing you aren’t the only one that gives you strength and somehow soothes the soul.
Honesty and vulnerability are so important. When we fake it, we never get a chance to connect deeply with others. Have you ever tried connecting with someone who is not at all vulnerable or real? It is impossible. It is hard to sustain a relationship that is always on the surface. It is impossible to love deeply when you live with your guard up constantly. Vulnerability and honesty are not easy, but when you choose to live that way it is much more fulfilling. I haven’t always been vulnerable. The first person I learned to be vulnerable with was God. It wasn’t like that in the beginning, but in time I realized that authenticity with God was essential to growing closer to Him. I stopped beating around the bush and started getting real with Him. To this day I still tell God my deepest fears, worries, struggles, hurt. I sometimes yell at Him, get angry with Him or even get annoyed. I share tears and laughter with Him. God is my best friend. I can trust Him with everything. He’s a great listener, He loves me dearly, He isn’t going to talk behind my back, He will never make fun of me, He will never leave me out, He will never get annoyed or frustrated with me. He’s perfect and that makes it easy for me to trust Him.
It was only when I started to be vulnerable with God that I experienced real depth in my relationship with Him. He wasn’t interested in a fake relationship, He was wanting the real deal. He wanted all of me, not just part of me. He wanted my whole heart, the good, the bad, the ugly. I didn’t find God in church, or by checking off my bible reading for the day. I found Him when I went to Him with my whole heart. It was when I was willing to be honest and authentic that things started changing. I was always a little intimidated by God, but once I started learning His character biblically, that intimidation diminished. I learned that God was not unapproachable, but quite the opposite. He is a relational God who knows us better than we know ourselves. He is our Heavenly Father and He cares deeply for His children. His love for us is unfathomable. He doesn’t give up on us or shake His head in disgust. He is patient, loving, kind. He understands and can empathize. He is far from intimidating, but rather someone we can go to freely, without fear, and can just be ourselves with. God is not a distant unrelatable God, He is far more amazing than our minds can comprehend. He is a real Father, someone I want to emulate. He is my hero, someone I look up to, love dearly, and someone my heart longs to be with some day!
A few years ago I remember losing my temper with my son. I was mean, I yelled, I spoke unkindly. It was not the person I wanted to be, yet that’s exactly who I was. It was defeating. I went into my son’s room, but was unsure of what to do next. I sat next to my son on his bed. He was three at the time. He asked me, “Mommy, why were you so mean to me?” Wow! That rocked my world, my heart broke to pieces and I literally felt sick to my stomach. As I sat there, I had no idea what to do next, but God did. I didn’t see it at the time, but He was working not only in my heart, but my sons. He prompted me to get real with my son. He was three, yet God kept urging me to be honest. I wept as I asked my son to forgive me. It was in that raw and emotional moment that I shared the Gospel with my son for the first time. I explained to him how much I needed God. I shared with Him about my sin and how I do things I don’t want to do. I explained that He would not be any different than me, that he needed God too. I talked about forgiveness and about God’s love. It was a deep conversation, but somehow I feel like my son understood. He was responsive and He asked questions. When we were done talking my son looked at me and said “Mommy, I will always forgive you because I love you so much.”
In that moment I saw Christ in him. I could hear God speaking right through him. I could imagine God saying, “I love you Kara, no matter what, I will always love you. You will fail, you will struggle, You will never be perfect... but I still love you… you are forgiven” There was power in that moment. There was power in that conversation with my son. He was so young, yet God was still working. I let my guard down and I was vulnerable. It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it. I was able to experience both God’s love and my son’s love. It was so healing and it filled my soul. I didn’t hold things in and that was the key. When I hold things in, the guilt and shame consume me. when I admit my wrongs not only to God but to others, I find freedom. It takes vulnerability, but God can work when we are vulnerable. That day in my son’s room I felt God’s grace. After talking to my son I felt an overwhelming sense of love and forgiveness showering me. I was reminded in that moment that I was a child of God and I was loved and forgiven. That was the first time I knelt down next to my son and prayed with him. It was powerful.
That prayer paved a new way of life for me. Ever since that prayer, things have changed, I now find myself praying with my children often. That vulnerability that I showed with my son that day only snowballed into something beautiful. Something very special between me and my children. They get to know me fully. They aren’t getting to know my facade, but rather the real me. They see my brokenness and they love me anyway. It is in those moments when my husband and kids see my flaws, my failures and my struggles and still choose to love me, that I see Christ in them. Real love isn’t perfect, It isn’t always going to be lovey dovey, cute and cuddly, I find real love and connection happens when I am vulnerable. When I admit weakness and struggles. It is when I leave myself exposed that I experience the deep love I long for. Vulnerability not only brings our family closer to God, but also closer to each other.
I learned that Instead of expending all my energy keeping up a facade, I could find freedom by not faking it anymore. In order to love fully, forgive fully, empathize with someone fully I had to be vulnerable. I learned that through experience. The more I showed vulnerability the more I was able to love fully, especially with my husband and kids. When I was able to be vulnerable I was able to feel the power of forgiveness. It was only when I was vulnerable with friends that I was able to empathize deeply with them. Being vulnerable is scary, but it is worth it. Exposing your deep thoughts, weaknesses, feelings and being honest about who you are in the depth of you soul is freeing. You will never know what you are missing out on until you experience it for the first time, vulnerability not only lets you live, but also allows you to experience God fully. It is the facade that keeps you captive.
In my pursuit to understand life, I often find the world has things backwards. Not just in this area, but many other aspects of life too. The world tells us that it is weak to show vulnerability or to admit weakness or struggle. We have to keep up appearances and pretend that we have it all together. I often saw strength in the people who were very outwardly confident, showed no flaws, no weaknesses, were bold and showed little emotion. I thought they had figured life out. I wanted to be that way. I wanted to be less sensitive. I didn’t want to feel empathy. I felt so weak feeling for others. I would cry when I saw a dead deer on the side of the road, when I’d see someone get hurt, or when I would watch the news and hear someone was going to prison. Who feels that kind of empathy. I hated it. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to not feel. I wanted to be the one who looked like she had it all together. No tears, no struggles, no fear, no doubts. The more I strived to be strong, the more I lost myself.
The mistake I made was allowing the world to define what strength was. Power and strength look much different in this world than they do biblically. God often speaks of love, forgiveness, kindness, empathy, and gentleness, but those characteristics are not defined as strengths here in the world. I would go as far as saying they are seen as weak. If I continued to chase after what the world defined as strength I would slowly lose my identity. I would soon lose who God designed me to be. I would need to chase God in order to see what real strength was. I always wanted to be strong in this world, so I hid. I hid who I really was and that’s how I found strength here. The more I hid, the more “strength” I found, but in the process I lost myself. I tried so hard to be someone I wasn’t just to fit in here. Yes, I found strength, but it was fake. It might have seemed real, but deep down I knew I was a fake. It was God who taught me to live differently. God designed me for purpose and I would never be able to fulfill that purpose if I kept allowing the world to guide me and define me. The more I sought after God the less the world had a grip on me. The more I looked to God the more I found real strength. It was no longer the approval of the world and others that I kept at high regard, but rather the approval of God. It was God I longed to please. That switch catapulted my life in a different direction. 180 degrees to be exact. I learned that I couldn’t chase both God and the world, I had to choose. I chose God and when I made that switch it was life changing!
As I learned to seek God, I started to realize some of my “weaknesses” were actually my strengths. My empathy for others was not weakness. My sensitive heart was not considered weak. God didn’t create me that way on accident. He created me that way with purpose in mind. I often hated who I was, but as I chased God He started teaching me to accept who I was and to let Him lead me in discovering who I was made to be. I was made for a purpose. We are all designed differently, with different strengths and gifts, we are all made for a purpose. It wasn’t until I started to seek God that I started to understand that He would be the One who would guide me in discovering who I really was. Who I was at the deepest part of my soul. I was done hiding, I was ready to start finding out who I was in Christ. I was ready to start getting real with God, I was done pretending. I was done trying to keep up with the Jones’. I was done trying to impress people, I was done trying to find success and approval in this world. I was ready to live life more fully and that started when I got vulnerable and real with God.
I’ve had people tell me they wished they had a relationship like I do with God, but the thing is they could have it too. I am not special, I am actually quite the opposite. There is nothing extraordinary about me or about my relationship with God. I remember just a few years back thinking I didn’t deserve to be in a relationship with God, that I was too messed up. I didn’t think I was "religious enough” or that I was good enough. That wasn’t the case at all. I didn’t have depth in my relationship with God because I lacked authenticity.The more I showed vulnerability the closer I felt to God. I was learning how to come out of hiding and it was not only powerful in my relationship with God, but essential. I thought going through the motions was what God wanted, but that’s not how I found Him. It was only when I sought God with my whole heart a vulnerable heart, that I found Him. It was just a few years ago now that I had never opened my bible and never said an actual prayer from the heart. I felt discouraged in my lack of desire for anything spiritual. God was boring to me, but that was because I had never experienced Him personally. I was giving God the perfect Kara, the fake Kara. God cannot work with perfection, God works with weakness. It is when I went to Him in desperation and in my vulnerability that I found HIm .
That wall that you think is going to protect you, only keeps you from God. I’m not sure why, but there is so much power in going to God with your junk and with the ugliness of what's in your thoughts or in your heart. It is freeing. Admitting what's on your heart is hard. The things we don’t want others to know is the hardest stuff to admit to God. The hatred we have in our hearts or the anger, the jealousy, lust, pride or envy. We all experience these things, but what we do with it is key. Often people harbor it and they keep it stuffed way down deep, but that’s where it will stay. When we keep it stuffed away and we do nothing with it, it only gets worse. It will not only hurt others, but the person it will destroy the most, is you. We will never find freedom from our junk, until we give it over to God. We don’t have to live with bitterness, lust, pride, anger, envy, jealousy in our heart, God can free us from that bondage. I tried my whole life to not feel jealous or to not harbor bitterness, but it was finally God who freed me from it. If I find it is creeping in again, guess who I go to? God. I don’t even mess around anymore. I go directly to God and ask Him to get the ugliness out and replace it with Him.
The best thing about being vulnerable, it keeps the pressure of you. I don’t have to be perfect, I don’t have to be my kid’s hero, Jesus can be. He’s the only one qualified anyway. When I am vulnerable I get to admit I am not perfect and never will be. It feels so much more fulfilling to lead my children to someone who I know has their best interest in mind, someone who is perfect, all knowing and all powerful. I often tell my kids that God knows them better than I do. He created them with gifts and for purpose. Jesus is the one I want them to follow. I have limitations, but God doesn’t. When I think of the future and what kind of legacy I want to leave for my children, I hope they remember me for my authentic love for Christ. At some point my kids will have to follow their own paths. I won’t be the number one influence in their life anymore. It is when they grow up and go off to college that I hope they choose for themselves to follow God passionately. It’s in these younger years when they are at home with me that I get to teach them that God is the only one who is worth following. Not by mere words, but by living it out daily. I hope they can see my love for Christ and my passion for Him by how I live. I want my vulnerability to teach them that they don’t have to pretend, they don’t have to hide. I want to teach them how essential it is in their relationship with God. I want them to know they can be themselves no matter what. I want them to be confident that not only do mom and dad love them regardless of their struggles, sin, weaknesses or wrongdoing, but most importantly God does too. They never have to feel alone or unworthy.
God wants to know us personally, He wants us to stop hiding, stop pretending. He wants us to be vulnerable and real. He wants us to tell Him what’s on our hearts. Not for His sake, but for ours. He doesn’t need us to go to Him, He's all powerful and all knowing. It's actually the opposite that is true. He loves us dearly and He knows we need Him. He waits patiently for us to come to Him so we can live loved....so we can live freely and fully. He is who we need. He is what are heart longs for.
2 Corinthians 13:4
Although he was crucified in weakness, he now lives by the power of God. We, too, are weak, just as Christ was, but when we deal with you we will be alive with him and will have God’s power.
Zephaniah 3:17
For the Lord your God is living among you.
He is a mighty savior.
He will take delight in you with gladness.
With his love, he will calm all your fears.
He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”
James 4:8
Come close to God, and God will come close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, for your loyalty is divided between God and the world.
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