I am such a wimp!!! Why would anyone describe me as courageous? I had to process for quite a while, but in time I finally understood. They must see Christ in me. They must see His strength.
I have created quite the reputation throughout my life. To the ones who know me best, I’m known as a quitter. Not strong, not courageous... A quitter. It’s not a reputation I’m proud of, but it is true. Well…. Let’s say it used to be true. The thing is, once you have a reputation, it’s hard for people to stop seeing you that way. Actually, you begin to see yourself that way too. I had myself believing that if everyone else saw me as a quitter, I might as well live up to my reputation. I allowed myself to find my identity as being weak and untalented. I got used to giving up when things got tough. It became so comfortable to quit that it was a hard cycle to break. I would see others persevere and I would think, I want to be like that. I want to be strong, I want to persevere. I often sat back watching other people’s lives, yet did nothing with mine. I would be so inspired by what others were doing, but deep down believed I wasn’t capable. I wanted to be confident, I wanted to be fearless, but I knew better. I knew where I was weak.
The thing about weakness is, we all have one (or in my case ….many, haha) Acknowledging my weaknesses paved the way for God’s strength. If I was strong, gifted, and awesome at everything, there would be no need for God in my life. If I could do everything on my own, why would I need God. It was only when I came to terms with my own weaknesses that God was able to be my strength. I was severely lacking in the confidence area, boldness, strength, perseverance... You get the idea. I doubted myself and never thought I was good enough. When you doubt yourself long enough and allow the negative self talk to define you, it becomes who you are. I was convinced that I would never accomplish much in life. I didn't believe in myself or my abilities. I would often get frustrated that God gave other people gifts and strengths, yet left me with nothing. I wasn’t good at anything. I believed that so deeply in my soul that it became my reality. I would often try something and if I didn’t succeed right away, I’d quit. I went most of my life living this way, but in God's time I would learn how to persevere!
The thing I learned most about persevering is first of all .....it’s not easy. Second of all, it isn’t done perfectly. It’s terrifying to persevere. When I am in the thick of it, I often am filled with so many awful emotions. The emotions wouldn't be there if I would just quit. Quitting is so tempting because it ends the fear, anxiety, doubt, and worry. In those moments of turmoil I want to quit so bad, but I often am reminded of the regret that come with it. It is easy to quit, but the regret is heavy. When I chose to persevere I never regret it. Even with all of the emotions and fear that come along with it. I don’t want to live wondering what I could have done. I don’t want to regret not using my gifts to glorify God. I want to live a life that God intended me to live. If I want to do that, I need to stop taking my own path, which always leads to the path of least resistance (aka the easiest path possible) and start following the path God has laid out for me. I used to always look for the easy path, but God taught me there is no growth when you take the easy way. You don’t build character and you don’t grow in your relationship with Him.
I went almost 10 years as a Christian wondering why I couldn’t trust God. I wanted to, I desperately wanted to, but I just couldn’t. No matter how much I went to church or read my bible, I still questioned my faith. I often wondered if all the God stuff was actually real. My problem was, I was trying to manufacture trust in the Lord, but that was not possible. The only way I learned to authentically trust God and not fake it, was to step out in faith, regardless of how terrified I was. Often times God was trying to lead me, but I turned away because of fear. Fear held me captive and didn’t allow me to be made into the person God intended me to be. It wasn’t until I started doing things scared, that I saw God show up.
It was when I was weak and literally sick to my stomach with fear and anxiety that I saw God working in my life. I saw His strength, when I was weak. In the past, I would never have put myself in a situation that I felt unequipped. Everything that I pursued I could do on my own. I didn’t look to God for help because I always thought “I got this”. The problem with that was, I never experienced God’s power in my life and and as a result I never learned to trust Him. To build trust in a relationship you have to get to know someone first, am I right? You have to “do life” with them for a while. In time you build trust. You only trust and rely on the ones who catch you when you fall and are there for you when you are vulnerable and weak. You trust the ones that never leave your side and would do anything for you, the ones that love you and take care of you.
The thing is God can be that person in your life. He is the one who will never leave your side, will love you no matter what, will take care of you, and will catch you when you fall. When we make our relationship with God a priority like we often do with our human relationships, we will find that God is what we long for. As I seek God and spend time with Him, I learn His character and as I learn His character I begin to trust Him more. I used to have a false perception of who God was. I didn’t see Him in the correct perspective. My thoughts of Him were so tainted with lies that I never had the desire to get to know Him. I already had my preconceived notions and I thought that was good enough. The problem was, I didn’t know the real God. I didn’t know the one who loved me, cared for me, could empathize with me, understood me, would listen to me, didn’t judge me, didn’t give up on me, could be my strength, was my helper, wanted the best for me, and was the one who died so I could have life. That wasn’t the God I knew a few years back. In hindsight, I can see that I didn’t know God at all. The worst thing was, I thought I did. I went many years thinking I understood and knew God, but it wasn't until I sought Him out in scripture and in prayer that I actually got to know Him.
The more I got to know God, the easier it was to put my trust in Him. As I began to trust, I slowly took small steps of faith. When I started stepping out in faith I learned that I had to put my trust in God rather than myself because often times I was doing things I did not feel equipped to do. It wasn't until I learned to start putting my trust in God rather than myself, that I found real strength. I know who I am deep down. I am a scaredy cat. I'm not a naturally confident or a bold human being. I am a wimp....(ask my husband). I embrace the fact that I will never be a naturally confident and strong person, but when I put my trust in God, the one with true strength,I find that I don’t have to be strong, I just have to trust God to be my strength. There are A LOT of times I still want to quit certain things, I want to give up, but now I have God to remind me where my strength comes from. I hear a whisper in the depth of my soul reminding me, " Kara you aren’t doing this alone, I am your strength." I may not be equipped or feel confident in my abilities, but when I trust in God’s truth, that becomes my reality. Instead of focusing on my weaknesses, I turn my focus on God and He reminds me He made me for a purpose. He designed me uniquely and my weaknesses are not unknown to Him. I actually feel they are probably there for good reason. As I mentioned before, if I was not weak, I would never need God. It is in my weakness that I cling to God for strength and in those moments I can feel my trust in Him grow!
It is no longer myself I put my trust in, it’s God. I trust His plan and trust where He is leading me. If I didn’t think God was leading me I would never step out in faith. I only do it because I know He will equip me for anything He leads me to do. No matter what situation it is, if I feel led by God to do it, I know He will show up. I have no doubt in my mind that He will give me strength. It is only with God that I can persevere and face my fears. It is a relief to me that I have someone strong and powerful to trust and guide my life. Without that guidance I would still be wandering aimlessly through life. I would still be entertaining my negative self talk and would not have learned to persevere.
To persevere I’ve had to learn to trust in who God created me to be, not how I see myself. My view of myself is often tainted and when I learn to see myself through God's eyes, I see a daughter of the King. I see someone who is bold and fearless. I see a woman who perseveres in the midst of difficulty. It is only when I am not grounded in truth and I am not in the word of God that I forget who I am. I lose focus and I start believing the lies. I start focusing on my weakness instead of focusing on God. In the moments that I lose my focus, I often think of the biblical story of Peter walking on water. He only walked on the water when His complete focus was on Christ, the minute He looked around at the waves and the storm, He sank. It is when I lose focus and start worrying about my weaknesses or my failures that I start sinking. I often hear God’s reminder when I start to sink, “Kara, keep your eyes on me, do not fear, do not give up, I will never leave you.” God never gives up on me and that’s how I’ve learned to not give up on myself. There is power in trusting that the God of this universe believes in me and made me for a purpose.
My whole life I had it all backwards. I wanted to take the reigns . I wanted to do it myself. I wanted to have strength and confidence on my own, yet thirty years later I still didn’t have it.. I was still the weak insecure little girl I always had been. It was only when I gave my life over to God and said, “Do something with it, I’m all yours” that things starting getting crazy real. It was that complete surrender that changed my life. I would never be who I wanted to be without God by my side. I wasn’t designed to do it alone. Humanity wasn’t meant to do life alone. We were meant to do life with God. I’ve learned that getting out of my own way was the best thing I could have done. It was not an easy process for a strong willed stubborn person like myself, but in time I found freedom.
I started realizing God’s plans for me were far more amazing than my own plans. I experienced Him leading me into things I would have never chosen for myself, yet after doing those things I felt almost like I was designed for them. I used to be led entirely by emotion. If it felt uncomfortable or that I wouldn’t be good at it or didn’t like it, I never pursued it. When you are led entirely by emotion you will be led astray. I often let fear stop me or let my insecurities get in my way. If it didn’t feel good I didn’t do it. Emotions are unstable and are not a good guide. It wasn’t until I allowed God to lead me that I found that oftentimes His path was nothing I would have ever expected, yet I blindly followed, trusting that He had it all figured out. I often say to him… “Lead me, I will follow”, but in all honesty I cringe every time I say that, because God’s path is never comfortable. It is never easy, it is about growth and change. It is about pushing out of your comfort zone and taking steps of faith even when you don’t know where God is leading you. That’s how trust is built. That’s how I learned to trust God. God gets me over one hurdle and reminds me to look back, “look Kara, you made it”, you can trust me, I will never leave you. I will be your strength when you are weak and I will transform you into the women I designed you to be… All you need to do is follow me, trust me... and I will do the rest.
Wherever you are weak, God can be your strength. Don’t miss your opportunity to live a life you were purposed for. It is only when you let God take a hold of your life, that you will find what you were created for. You will find fulfillment beyond what you could ever imagine!
Isaiah 40:31
Those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.
Joshua 1:9
This is my command—be strong and courageous!
Do not be afraid or discouraged.
For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.
Proverbs 18:10
The name of the Lord is a strong fortress;
the godly run to him and are safe.
Isaiah 41:10
Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
Psalm 9:10
Those who know your name trust in you,
for you, O Lord, do not abandon those who search for you.
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