As a child I never attended church. I was not raised knowing the bible and I had little to no understanding of what Christianity was or what the bible was all about. So you can imagine how terrified I was in high school when my church going friend told me I was going to hell because I didn’t go to church on Sundays. YIKES....The problem was, I had tried out a few churches and I hated them. I often thought to myself, if I had to attend church in order to go to heaven, I’m not sure it was worth it. As a young adult I tried out church with my Grandma occasionally. After church we would go get ice cream or go to a movie. My desire was to hang out with my Grandma, the church part was tolerated. During church I would find myself dazing out and day dreaming the whole time. I would be checking the clock waiting for the chance to get the heck outta there. I would often think to myself, How does going to church on Sunday’s save you? How does falling asleep in the back row of church put you in right standing with God?
The "church stuff" often confused me and as a result made me a huge skeptic. I had no desire to go to church, give money to the church, or be involved in the church so what was I supposed to do? Fake it? Go and give my money and participate in church when my heart wasn’t in it? Is that what God wanted from me? Did He want me to just go through the motions following a bunch of rules and traditions that I didn’t even believe or care about? I often thought…. what a joke!! I could easily go through the motions and fake it, but I wasn’t about to waste my time. For that reason, I stayed away from the church. I had experienced enough of church to come to the conclusion that it wasn’t for me. The worst part about deciding church wasn't my thing, I automatically decided God wasn't an interest of mine either. That decision was naive and to this day makes my heart ache. I made the mistake of putting God in a box and thinking if I didn’t like church, I wouldn’t like God. It took many years, but in time I would discover how wrong I was.
I believe that anyone who actually takes the time to get to know God will never dislike Him. I only disliked Him because I didn’t know Him. I feel like it is impossible to dislike God if you get to know His true character. When I sought Him in scripture and through prayer I discovered that the God I was finding in the bible, was not the god I had thought up in my own mind. I was always finding a reason to doubt God and go my own way. If I experienced anything I didn’t like in the church I would make that an excuse to dislike God. I purposely distance myself from anything that had to do with Him. My own path seemed much more desirable anway. I did everything in my power to run from God, but the worst part was, if I would have actually known God and His character, I would have never run from Him. I had a messed up perception of who God was. I thought I knew God because I tried out church a few times, but in reality I had no clue.
As you have probably grasped, I have not always been a fan of Christianity. If you’ve read past blog posts I make it pretty clear that I’ve always been a huge skeptic. The thing is, I was a skeptic because I had a distorted perception of what Christianity was all about. There are so many religions that fall under the Christianity umbrella and that made it confusing when I was trying to figure it all out. I would hear about the Catholic religion, Lutheran, Baptist, Methodist, etc.. What was with all the different churches? Were they all Christian churches? What about Evangelical? I couldn’t even pronounce that word when I first saw it. What the heck was with all these Christian religions? I was so confused. They all seemed so different. My big question was, How do I know I am choosing the “right” church or the "right" religion. I sought after an answer to that question for many many years.
As I learned and grew in my relationship with God I realize how little Christianity had to do with the church, but rather, has everything to do with Jesus Christ. It didn’t matter what Christian church I chose to worship in, what mattered was who I put my trust in. I realized I was putting my trust in a church. I learned the church can’t save me. Contrary to what my friend said to me in High School. Going to church does not save you. Jesus is the only person you can trust to save you. Christianity has to do with our state of brokenness and our need for a Savior.
I was so off in my thinking just a short time ago. I was so worried about the church part of Christianity. I was always under the assumption that if I believed in God and went to church I was a Christian (that was what I was told), but biblically it never says that A Christian is someone who admits they are broken and sinful and looks to Jesus to save them. They see their need for a Savior. They see how far they fall from God’s standards. I love my church and I love attending it, but going to church on Sundays doesn’t bring me closer to God, it doesn’t get me brownie points, it doesn’t make me a better person, and it doesn’t mean I have a free pass to heaven because I attend. Church is a great place to be in community with other believers or to serve and worship God, but my relationship with God has nothing to do with Church and has everything to do with my Savior Jesus Christ. It’s between me and Him.
I was often turned off by the church and to be honest sometimes I still find I don’t like certain things, but that doesn’t matter. Church will never be perfect and neither will the people in the church. When I wasn’t a Christian, church always made me not like God. I saw imperfect people and imperfect churches and for some reason blamed God in my twisted way. I didn’t want to be part of something so dysfunctional. I often thought if church was dysfunctional so was God. I thought Christians represented God and I often thought if that was any indication of who God was, I was out. The thing I didn’t understand at the time was, people are sinners and people do not mimic God in His character. They might show glimpses of His kindness, goodness, love, patience, gentleness, etc.. but we all fall extremely short of the character of God. Christian or non Christian we are all broken and sinful, no one is perfect. No human establishment or human behavior can represent our glorious, perfect, and amazing God. God is far greater than our minds can comprehend.
I’m not sure why I was so hard on the church and the people who attended. It’s not like I’m not dysfunctional myself. Haha.. We are all imperfect and my expectation for the church was way too high. I guess I assumed everyone at church was perfect. I assumed everyone was going to be nice and cheerful and would let me fit in with them, but that is not always what is going to happen. I guess I put everyone on a pedestal expecting them to meet my expectations. The thing is, no human being can satisfy such high expectations. No one is perfect which means no church is perfect. I kept feeling let down only because I had too high of expectations for people and the church. When people let me down, I immediately felt like God was letting me down. I’m not sure why I associated church so much with God, but God is perfect and He will never let us down. I learned that I needed to stop putting my trust in people and the church and rather put my trust in Jesus Christ. The more I learned and the closer I got to God, the more I learned to stop looking to others to fill my needs and rather go to God to fill my needs. The more I trusted in Him the less I needed the church to be perfect.
I often blamed the church for my hatred toward Christianity and God. I almost gave up on the church, but in time God would soften my heart. The thing about churches, they are not all created equal. Just because a building slaps a sign on it that says “church”, doesn’t mean it is a healthy church or one that teaches biblical principles. I figured that out the hard way. Once I found a healthy church that was built on a solid foundation and preached the word of God, that church helped change my life. In time, I realized that just because churches are imperfect doesn’t mean God can’t use them for His glory. There are good churches and bad churches, but if you’ve had a bad experience with church, don’t let that get in the way of you relationship with God. Church and other Christians don’t represent God, God is far to glorious and amazing for us to comprehend, so please don’t make the mistake I did and let imperfect things represent a perfect God.
The thing about God is, He is a personal God. It was always between me and Him, not me and the church or me and other Christians. It was always meant to be me and Him. He works on an individual basis. often times I worried too much about the people around me. I would look around and wonder if I measured up to other Christians. Shame on me for doing that! Comparing myself to others only led me down a very slippery slope. I was always comparing and trying to fit into the Christian circle, but in reality God didn’t want me to fit in, He wanted me to chase after Him.
In the beginning the church and other Christians around me became a hindrance. I had such a skewed perspective that I was constantly comparing and coming to the conclusion that I didn’t measure up. I can image God’s heart breaking every time I did that. The comparing game drove me away from God. I guess I always thought Christians fit in a box. I always thought they had to act and be a certain way, but that just isn’t true. God made everyone unique and every person is different. There is no expectation you have to meet in order for God to love you, He already does. I always thought I had to change, but God loved me just as I was. I wasted my time trying to pretend I was someone I wasn’t and all that time I missed out on being who God created me to be. I was too focused on everyone else that I lost focus of what really matter... my relationship with God. When I lost my focus I slowly lost my identity. It was only when I turned my focus back to Christ that He started showing me who I was made to be.
The more and more I studied the bible I started realizing how backwards my thinking was. I alway assumed Christianity was a “do,do,do” kind of religion. I needed to “work” my way to heaven or to God. I always thought my actions and what I did somehow disqualified me or qualified me to be in right standing with God. I always felt if I did wrong I was unacceptable to God. If I tithed my money to church, volunteered, gave to the poor, and was a “good person” I would be accepted by God. As I studied the bible I started realizing, that’s just not true. I always felt I didn’t measure up, that I somehow was broken, sinful at times. I often felt like God wouldn’t accept me the way I was, but that is not the Gospel message. That is not what Christianity is all about. I often had a hard time wrapping my mind around that concept…. I often thought, “ so I don’t have to be perfect to be accepted by God”. I immediately was relieved that I wasn’t going to hell because I didn’t attend church the majority of my life. What a weight lifted of my shoulders. Ever since my friend told me I was going to hell because I didn’t go to church, I always kind of believed her. When I found out God saved the broken, sinful, messed up people, I was literally floored. I realized I was the perfect candidate…
Messed up, Check….
Sinner, Check…..
Dysfunctional, Check….
Alrighty then, I definitely qualified.. Haha!!
God makes it clear in the bible that none of us measure up, “for everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard (Romans 3:23)” Sin is sin, one person's sin is no greater or less than another person's sin. We often compare ourselves and think that we don't sin because we didn't murder someone or because we aren't in prison. I often thought I was "good" because I didn't commit a "major sin", but biblically it says that we all fall short and that we've all sinned against God. I had a hard time admitting that at first. I used to like comparing myself to the worst criminals, so I would feel like I was a "good" person. Doing that only kept me from owning up to my own sin, and as a result I lacked humility. God works with the humble, not the proud. It was only when I admitted to my sin that I was able to humble myself enough to allow God to do work in my heart and in my life.
The hardest thing to admit is our own short comings, our weaknesses and our sin, but when we can do that, it gives God room to work in our lives. We are not expected to measure up or find perfection in this life. God knew we wouldn't be able to be "good enough" in our own efforts. If we could do enough good to put ourselves in right standing with God, we wouldn’t need a Savior. Jesus wouldn't have had to die on the cross if we could work our way into heaven. We all fall short of God’s perfect standard, but the amazing thing is, God loved us so much He gave us a way to be right with Him again. We don’t have to be separate from God’s love, but through His son Jesus we can have life. John 3:16 says, “For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.” The best thing about God, He lets us choose. Love is not genuine when you are forced to do it. That’s exactly why God gave us free will. We have a choice to love God if we want to.
I struggled a lot in my early adult years trying to figure out Christianity. I was misinformed most of my life. I took other people’s opinions and thoughts about God and made them my truth. I never tried to get to know God personally, but rather let others influence what I thought. It wasn’t until I took the time to study the bible and get to know God for myself that I actually found what I was looking for. I found a God that was far more amazing than the god I had made up in my head.
I often think God has a good sense of humor. I find myself chuckling at what he has done in my life. It is humorous to me that just a short time ago I thought the “holy rollers” were straight up crazy. I thought church was a joke. I disliked God and wanted nothing to do with Him. Now I’m one of the “holy rollers” I swore I would never become. The God who I disliked and ran from for years is now the God I adore. He is the One I run to for comfort, love and who I cling to for hope. I don’t understand how God changed my heart, but I do know it is real. I often wonder, How does God change a heart like that? It drives me crazy that I can’t explain it (I have issues, haha). I often ask God, “What are you doing?” “Why are you changing me so much?”
I feel like God is using me to show others the power He has in a person's life when they choose to seek Him. Sharing what God has done in my life is just a tiny tiny glimpse of God’s amazing power and glory. God reminds me daily that He flipped my life upside down, He changed me and I am beyond grateful for that. My gratitude drives me to tell people about the God who changed my life. I will never understand His ways, but whatever He is doing it is amazing! He doesn't want to just change my life, but yours too. He is the God of this world, the Joy Giver, My Hope, My Savior and the love of my life. If you don’t already know Him, I suggest getting to know Him ;) He’s pretty amazing!
Proverbs 28:13
People who conceal their sins will not prosper,but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy.
1 John 1:8
If we claim we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and not living in the truth. 9 But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all wickedness.
Romans 10:5-9
For Moses writes that the law’s way of making a person right with God requires obedience to all of its commands. But faith’s way of getting right with God says, “Don’t say in your heart, ‘Who will go up to heaven?’ And don’t say, ‘Who will go down to the place of the dead?’ In fact, it says,
“The message is very close at hand;
it is on your lips and in your heart.”
And that message is the very message about faith that we preach: If you openly declare that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.
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