I wasn’t too thrilled at the idea of getting back into doing art, but figured I’d give it a try since I had a hard time reading scripture without getting bored. I figured maybe doodling scripture would be better than reading it! To my surprise I was right, who would have thought? That's how my love of scripture started. I was surprised by how much joy filled my heart as I doodled God's Word. It was far different than just doodling random art and it was far less boring than reading scripture…. I found that I really enjoyed it. It forced me to meditate on God’s Word. As I doodled I had to keep reading it over and over and to my surprise I actually (accidentally) began to memorize some of the scripture I was doodling. In time, God's Word slowly began to sink into my heart. I would spend hours in my journal drawing and it only felt like minutes. I would be in such an intense zone my family could hardly get my attention. I was so excited, FINALLY I found a way to connect with God. I actually enjoyed my time with Him and that thought got me questioning… “Was I designed this way?”
Was I created to connect with God through my creativity and my passion for art? I was doubtful at first. I joined the art journaling group very hesitantly. When I first joined the class I was a pretty insecure. The requirements were to post pictures of what you created in your journal. For me, that was so intimidating. It made me sick to my stomach every time I posted. The lies in my head told me I was inadequate and that my art was not “good enough” to share with others. I was not proud of what I created, which made it hard to share with others. It’s easy to share things that you love or that you feel proud of, but when you hate what you create, it’s not easy to share. It took facing some major fears to start posting things I thought were inadequate.
The crazy thing was, the more I created and shared the more encouragement I received. People would say how artistic I was, that art was a gift of mine. I would think, " WHAT!?!?, They must be saying that to be nice"... But each time someone would mention that art was a talent of mine, I began to wonder if they were right. God used those women to encourage me, He used them to help make me realize that I might be designed to create. I didn’t see it because I was so consumed with negative self talk, I was too busy believing the lies to recognize my own talent. I’m not sure I would have ever kept pursuing art if I wouldn’t have had others speak such kind words of encouragement to me. Side note: Don’t ever downplay the power of kind words and encouragement, it might be exactly what someone needs at that time. The women of that group were a bigger blessing to me than they would ever know. I was slowly discovering that my creativity and my artistic ability was from God. I was designed to create and when I wasn’t using my artistic ability I felt something was missing.
I always thought I was without talents, that I wasn't good at anything. My problem was, I was believing the lies. I let the lies and negative self talk consume me. The truth is, everyone is born with gifts and talents. The talents He gives us can be used to serve, bless, help, encourage, and show love to others. We were all made in God's image and we were all made for purpose. Each and every person regardless if they believe in God or not are given different gifts and talents. I never saw my gifts for what they were because I was too busy believing the lies that I was unworthy and that I was the only one God forgot to give a gift to. I was too busy comparing and focusing on everyone else's gifts that I didn't have time to see my own talents. Everyone else's gifts seemed far better than mine. They were far more artistic, creative, musial, athletic, etc... That was my problem, when I compared my gifts to others…. mine never seemed to measure up.
I wanted to be perfect, I thought I had to do things perfect to be talented. I didn't want to show any flaw in my art, when I did, I assumed I wasn't talented....I thought since I wasn’t a professional artist I was not talented. Thinking that way was debilitating. God wanted to use my gifts to glorify Him, yet I was too consumed with myself and my insecurities to be able to use my gifts. When I started focusing on how I could encourage and bless others with my talents, things started falling into place. I was starting to understand that God gifted me so I could use it for others, not for myself. My gifts weren’t supposed to be used to somehow make me feel more worthy, confident, or somehow make me feel like I mattered. God provides that for me, not my gifts. My talents weren’t meant to be used selfishly, but to help, encourage, bless, and to show love to those around me. When I started using my talents to glorify God, I started really believing I was purposed for something. I started believing that I was designed and created a specific way and for a specific purpose. That’s when life started to get far more fulfilling. It didn't seem so meaningless anymore.
I used to always wonder why we were born just so we could die. It haunted me for most of my life, but now I am starting to understand that life has far more meaning than I thought. I’ve been learning that this life is not about me, but rather all about God. It's about glorifying Him. Without God, life would be meaningless... That's how I used to live before I had a relationship with God. I lived to earn money and then spend it.. I lived to party and live it up, but every night I would go to bed and wonder if there was more to this life. If there was something I was missing out on. Could life have more meaning? God has been teaching me that this life is far more fulfilling and meaningful than I could ever imagine, but first I’d have to seek Him.
“Everything comes from Him (God) and exists by His power and is intended for His glory.” Romans 11:36. If I wanted to find meaning in life, I’d have to seek after the one who is charge of it all. When I started to seek God with my whole heart my desires started slowly looking more and more like His. Love God, Love others. This life isn’t about glorifying ourselves, but rather glorifying God and loving others. That’s what I’ve found most fulfilling. When I look to help, encourage, bless, and love others that’s when I feel most fulfilled. That’s when I feel I am doing what I was created to do. How backwards is that? The world claims that it’s all about us. I was always thinking of ways to glorify myself. How could I better myself, how could I become more successful, how could I be more beautiful, how could I have a better house or better clothes. It was all about me. The world makes it seem like that is how you will find fulfillment, but God teaches the opposite. Real fulfillment and joy comes from the Lord. Real fulfillment lasts, it’s not temporary and it doesn’t have you always seeking after more. God created us to love and serve others and when we do that, it is far more fulfilling than serving self.
A lot of what I do now I would have never done a few years ago because I wouldn’t have thought is was important. I wanted success and prestige and I only sought after the things that would contribute to my “success”. I only cared about me and only wanted what was best for me. That self centered mentality is in our nature. Our sin nature wants us to be self focused, but God wants us to be focused on Him. When I started seeking God I found real direction. We weren’t all meant to be doctors, lawyers, or professional athletes. We were meant to use the gifts we were given to glorify God. We don’t get to choose what are gifts are, but rather embrace what we are gifted with and use our gifts to serve, help, and bless others. The more I was self focused and pursued things that were deemed successful to the world, the more I felt lost. I was just following the crowd... I was doing what I thought everyone else would think was was “successful”. I was just going through the motions.
As I learn to seek God and pursue the desires and passions He puts on my heart, the more fulfillment I feel. Seeking God and learning and discovering what I was made to do is far more fulfilling than seeking after selfish desires. When I wasn’t seeking God I had no direction, but the more I seek Him the more I discover what I was created to do. Using my gifts to glorify God gives me purpose and fills me with so much joy! A joy and fulfillment that money can't buy.
Ephesians 2:10
For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
James 1:17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.
1 Corinthians 12:5-6
There are different kinds of service, but we serve the same Lord. God works in different ways, but it is the same God who does the work in all of us.
1 Peter 4:10-12
Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms.
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