My whole life I thought I knew what I wanted. I’ve always been a dreamer and a goal setter. I wanted big things for my life, I wanted to live life to the fullest, I wanted success, I wanted to make a name for myself. Everything I did in life, all my choices I made aligned around the goals I had set. In college I would strive for things like, a fancy car, fashionable clothes, a fit body, money, beauty, and popularity. Later in life I wanted a husband, kids, a family, a successful career. I spent all my time, all my days in pursuit of those things. I was dead set on what I wanted, I was focused on my goals, but the one thing I never asked myself was why.....Why were those my goals? Why did I want those things....
I never really took the time to sit back and think about it....
and for that reason I feel like I unknowingly got caught up in a vicious cycle of following the crowd. I didn't do it on purpose, I just got caught up in what everyone else was seeking. I did what everyone else was doing. I feel like most people want to feel loved, accepted, and valued, that's what I wanted.... but most people look in all the wrong places and that's what I was doing.
I thought my family and kids would fill the loneliness I often felt. I thought my husband would provide for me the love I needed. I thought my success, popularity and beauty would give me the value I craved, but none of those things ever filled the emptiness. On the outside I had everything I had ever wanted, but on the inside I felt empty.... I was blessed with so many great things, but even though I had "everything" it still didn’t give me what my soul craved...I've learned how important it is to stop following the crowd and doing what is popular because when I did that I never found what I was looking for. I feel like when I was following the crowd I was pursuing all the wrong things and that only kept me distracted from what I really needed.
What I needed was God.... and when I say God, I don’t mean religion…. Religion never gave me what I craved either. The mistake I used to make was thinking God was religion, but He is so much more. What I mean by seeking God is that I made my focus and path in life about finding and knowing God. It was no longer about seeking success, beauty, popularity, money, etc, it was about seeking God. Learning about Him and "getting to know Him" through prayer and scripture. It was an all or nothing kind of thing for me. I used to kind of dabble in the “God stuff”, but now I understand how important it is to make God my sole focus. I used to think doing that would make me weird, boring, or make me into someone I wasn't, but I found it hasn’t changed me in a bad way (Well......That might be up for debate, Bahahah )
But in all seriousness seeking God first has changed me for the better. God has given me strength that I never knew I could have. Humility, patience, and self- control that I could not accomplish on my own. He has given me purpose in this life. He has softened my heart and made my perspective more positive. He has strengthened my marriage and the relationship with my kids and He has shown me that I no longer have to look to other people or things of this world to fill the emptiness anymore because He is the only One who can satisfy the soul.
I’ve learned how important it is to have a firm foundation in this unstable world. God is that foundation for me. In this world….Marriage and friendships fail, people lose jobs, beauty and popularity never last, wealth comes and goes, but God… He never changes. When I trust in God first and foremost everything else falls into place. The money, my family, my job it all has a different purpose now. I no longer have to use those things to find value, acceptance, and love. God provides that for me already. These last few years of seeking God have been the most fulfilling years of my life. I wouldn't say easy, comfortable or always enjoyable, but always… ALWAYS fulfilling. I never actually thought an invisible God would be able to provide for me what I needed and what I’ve always wanted, but so far He hasn't been one to disappoint. He is always showing up and better yet, He never stops showing off ! 💕
“You have made us for yourself, O God, and our hearts are restless until they find their rest in you.” – St. Augustine
Psalm 63: 3-4
Your unfailing love is better than life itself;
how I praise you!
I will praise you as long as I live,
lifting up my hands to you in prayer.
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