“I just want to be happy, that’s all I want…. to be happy again.”
If you would have asked me a few years ago what I wanted most in this life, I would have said…… Happiness. I’ve been where she has been, craving happiness, yet unable to find it. Seeking after it was often what dominated my focus. It's what I pursued must desperately, what I thought I desired most and the only thing I thought would provide me with the contentment I craved….but the thing about happiness is….it's just a feeling. Like all feelings, happiness comes and goes, it's only temporary.
I’ve been where my friends was, many times, striving to find some semblance of happiness and hope in the days that were seemingly bleak. All I wanted was to be happy, but being dependent on happiness to get me through each and every day was failing me. I never had the stability I craved. I was often up and down, my highs were great, but the lows…. I couldn’t cope with the lows, they shook me to my core. I would sometimes fall so hard and so fast that I often didn’t have the strength to pull myself up off the bottom. It was scary to think how easily I could fall and how mentally unstable I felt.
I never saw a problem with desiring happiness, contentment and comfort above all else. I used to chase after it and long for it constantly, but doing that never gave me the strength I craved mentally. When I was seeking and wanting happiness more than I sought the Lord, my perspective and expectations for this life became unrealistic. My idea of what life “should be” was not in line with what God said it would actually be. The Lord warns of suffering, pain, and sorrow, He never said this life would be easy especially for those who love and follow Him. When my focus and greatest desire was happiness I would feel such hopelessness when things weren't going well. My perspective was tainted and unrealistic and it took a toll on me mentally. I couldn’t struggle without completely spiraling.
This world is broken and sin is present. There is no such thing as perfect happiness, constant joy, or complete contentment. I often made the mistake (still do) of trying to find hope and comfort in my circumstances and in my feelings, but there is no stability in doing that because circumstances change and feelings do too.. Life has ups and downs and unpleasant circumstances are inevitable, that used to discourage me, but the Lord has been teaching me that I don’t have to yo-yo with my circumstances. I can find solid ground and perspective when I seek Him.
It’s in those moments when I choose to take the focus off myself (and my circumstance) and turn my focus on the Lord that I experience His strength. It's easy to focus on the unpleasant circumstance trying to fix it or control it, but I've found more peace and comfort when I am able to give up the control and turn my focus back on the Lord. My life has changed drastically as I have learned to pay attention to what my focus is and what I allow my mind to be filled with.
One thing that often gets in the way of that, is my emotion. When I am consumed by emotion my thoughts turn crazy unhealthy and are often not rational .... it's far harder to keep focused on the Lord in these moments and in return I get so off track in my thinking. I’ve learned from experience that my own thinking cannot always be trusted. I need God’s truth to guide me. When I focus on Him I feel like I am on solid ground, but when I turn away I am back on sinking sand. It’s God’s truth that brings me back to reality. It reminds me of things I seemed to have “forgotten”, promises I seemed to have been disregarding. That’s why I find it so important to seek God, especially in the midst of suffering and when we are overwhelmed by emotion. The lies they flee in the presence of God’s truth. The scriptures... they hold so much power.
It's NOT easy though, I get it… it sounds good in writing, but in real life it ain't so pretty. I'll admit I'm a hot mess when I'm struggling and the last thing I want to do when I am in a funk or struggling is go to God. I rather try and “fix” the problem. Also my motivation is lacking, my mood is blah, I hate life, I’m not enjoying scripture or prayer and seeking the Lord is unappealing.... overall, I just don’t care...but the Lord is teaching me how important it is to stay discipline. To seek Him even when it’s the last thing I want to do.
The more I stay disciplined in my focus of the Lord the less my feelings and circumstances seem to influence and dictate my life. My struggle mentally has been a fierce one, but I’d never change that. It has been because of my struggles that I’ve been able to experience how much power the scriptures hold. I’ve been able to experience first hand how they are able to transform the mind and the heart. For years I tried to find more stability mentally, a healthier thought life or a way to prevent myself from falling into so many “funks”. I tried so many different things, but nothing ever seemed to have the power to change my perspective.
I’ve seen such a change the last few years mentally. I have no one else or nothing else to credit other than God. I haven’t done anything different in my life other than seek the Lord's guidance and allow Him to do the work. My funks they aren’t gone, but they don’t last as long, they don’t occur as often, and they never take me as low as they used to. I’ve experienced the Lord pull me out of the darkness so many times, He's saved me from my unhealthy thinking patterns so often. It still amazes me the way He has changed my life.
I am so grateful for my struggles only because they keep me dependent on the Lord. They produce humility and empathy in my heart and they have drawn me so much closer to the Lord. They have shown me I am weak, but in my weakness I have witnessed and experienced the Lord’s strength. Experiencing that power is far greater than anything I’d ever want to experience in this life because it helps me believe, it helps me trust and it has grown my faith tremendously. I cannot even explain how powerful it has been to witness your own mind be transformed and witness what you thought was impossible become your reality.
I no longer desire happiness above all and I thank God for that. I pray that my greatest desire always be Him. My faith is far from perfect and I often find myself failing in my attempt to seek Him, trust Him, depend on Him or even desire Him most, but the best thing is….regardless of how imperfect we do it, God is still working. We cannot mess up His plans even if we tried (which I would easily do if it were possible.. hahaha😂!!) He just wants us to genuinely seek Him with our whole heart, soul, and mind and He will do the rest. We don’t have to strive to trust more, to have more faith or to do things perfect. When we seek Him wholeheartedly everything else will fall into place. It’s not about what we do, but rather about giving up the control, stepping aside and allowing God to do the work. Whatever you struggle with God can be your strength, He can make what you think impossible.... Possible
❤️
The Lord is my shepherd;
I have all that I need.
He lets me rest in green meadows;
he leads me beside peaceful streams.
He renews my strength.
He guides me along right paths,
bringing honor to his name.
Even when I walk
through the darkest valley
I will not be afraid,
for you are close beside me.
Your rod and your staff
protect and comfort me.
Psalm 23
No comments:
Post a Comment