My strong-willed son often resists authority, likes to test the limits, hates being told what to do and often gets angry when corrected. What he desires most in this life is… control.
His determination to do life according to his agenda is unreal. His strong willed personality has often clashed with those in authority. There was an incident a few years ago now, when my son must have been butting heads with a woman who occasionally cared for him in the childcare. I came to pick him up one afternoon and she shared her thoughts with me, "If you don't figure out how to get control of your son and parent him correctly, you will be in for a rude awakening when he is a teenager."
I didn't blame her for feeling that way. I couldn't even be mad, offended or even embarrassed. I was too utterly defeated to feel much of anything. I was barely hanging on and her words were a dagger that I felt in the deepest part of my soul. Her “warning” to me was actually my biggest fear. I was already terrified that I wouldn’t be able to parent my son in a way that I desired or in a way that he needed me to. Her words confirmed what I already knew, my son was out of control and I didn't know how to help him. I left that day at my weakest, believing I was without hope. I couldn’t even make it to my car, I collapsed in the corner of the gym and wept until my stomach hurt.
Like every parent, I wanted my disobedient child to behave. I wanted him to obey and listen to me and to others. We all desire for our children to submit to our authority and follow our lead, but often times they don't. In my humanness, I catch myself being worried or afraid at times, that my children will choose to go down a path that is destructive. I think of the sorrow and pain that would cause both me and them. As a parent I often want to protect my children from going the wrong way. I love my children and I want the best for them. As parents we know our children lack experience, wisdom and judgment, and we only want to help them.
I see some similarities in the way our Heavenly Father sees us and how we look at our children. All people, who God created in His image (Genesis 1:27)... He dearly loves. His perfect love for us surpasses understanding, we cannot even fathom it. We wouldn’t even be able to love our own children if it weren’t for the Lord. “We love each other because he loved us first” 1 John 4:19. I often think about how much I love my own children, but God’s love doesn’t even compare to that kind of love. He didn’t design it this way by accident. This example is just one way the Lord represents and shows us the truth about His love for us. He didn’t have to create it this way, but He did. Most people desire to be in a loving relationship with their children. The Lord is no different in His desire to be in a relationship with us. He desires that we choose Him…. but often we go our own way.
I cannot even fathom the sorrow our Heavenly Father must feel when we decide to pursue our own way, disregarding His direction, help and the love He so desperately wants to give us. It’s like our own children, we want to help them because we love them, the Lord wants the same for us. He wants us to follow, listen, and obey Him not because He’s controlling and no fun (like my son says about me), but because He knows what we need. In His omniscience, He knows everything ,He knows what is best for us. He knows we lack correct perspective and we lack the spiritual wisdom we need. He knows that worldly knowledge and experience will never be enough. It is His wisdom, comfort, acceptance, love and guidance we need. Our children’s prideful heart along with their desire to go their own way often gets in the way of us being able to help guide them. It’s not just children, humanity fights against pride too and we also want to go our own way. We often think we know what is best for us, but we don’t see the whole picture. Like our children, we only see part of the picture. It’s only with a humble and teachable heart that God can show us how desperately we need Him.
See, when I was struggling in my parenting I was going my own way. I never sought the Lord's help. I was taking parenting classes, reading every book possible that was written about strong-willed children and was even seeking advice from “experts” or people who could teach me how to parent my son. I was so desperate. I used to look for direction and wisdom from everyone and everything other than the Lord. I’m not saying seeking knowledge, advice and ideas from books and people are wrong, they just don’t have the power the Lord does. I would get great ideas and techniques about how to parent more efficiently, but that really wasn’t fixing the root problem. Yes, I needed work in my parenting skills too.. YIKES😬... but what I needed first and foremost most, I couldn't see. I was blind to the real problem because I wasn’t seeking the Lord for godly wisdom. I was attaining a lot of knowledge about parenting, but that knowledge wasn't helping me in my selfishness, bitterness, anger, my lack of patience and self control.
I blamed everything on my son for many years, but as I began seeking the Lord, He opened my eyes to the real problem. It was me….I didn’t have the patience or self control it took to parent someone so strong willed, who pushed me to my limit and tried my patience like no other. At the time, I just couldn’t see how I could be the mother my son needed. I knew what he needed from me was consistency,patience, and love but I couldn’t do it. I was a hot mess and I often raised my voice or got physical with my son in anger. I knew this was not helping or working because I read that in the parenting books 😉🤦♀️#funnyNotFunny. I knew what I had to do, but I couldn't do it. Talk about a defeating feeling… UGH... The parenting books and seminars gave me lots of great ideas, but they were pretty useless when I couldn’t accomplish them.
What I needed most was for the Lord to transform me into the mom Jett needed me to be, but was that really even possible? At the time, that sort of thinking was too “holy roller” or too spiritual to me. That sort of stuff made me uncomfortable. The people who were really “into their faith” or took it really seriously made me sort of uncomfortable. There were many reasons that I chose not to seek the Lord in a deeper, more authentic way. To name a few: I was fearful, uncomfortable, didn’t think it would make a difference, lacked faith and trust, didn’t have the motivation or desire. It’s not like I actually believed the Lord was really able to change me. I began seeking Him out of desperation because nothing else I was doing was working. I had hit rock bottom with my anger and was out of control. I finally stepped out in faith and began seeking the Lord in ways that made me feel super uncomfortable, but as I began doing this I began to witness God show up in miraculous ways. I’m not going to lie, it was hard at first. It was unlike anything I had ever done and it was so different from what I was used to.
As months and then years passed I began to experience something I thought to be impossible. My heart, motives and desires were beginning to change. That is what our Father does when we seek Him. What I was missing all that time was Him. I tried so desperately to do it on my own, to figure out how to parent my son in a healthy and productive way, but I was failing… miserably. I was only becoming more frustrated and resentful. It wasn’t until I finally surrendered to the Lord, choosing His way rather than going my own way that my eyes started being opened to the truth.
I began to see that without the Lord I would never be who I desired to be. I had limits and weak areas that were debilitating. I sought after worldly wisdom from the “experts”, but what I needed was a heart transformation and the only One capable of doing that is the Lord. I needed Him to do major work in me (and still need Him to do that work in me daily/ hourly). It was only when I surrendered to the Lord that I finally discovered the power He can have in a person’s life, especially in their weaknesses. It was the Lord who saved me from myself. It still amazes me how much he has grown me in my patience, self control, and in my love for not only my son, but for others. I cannot take credit for any of it, the glory and honor goes to the Lord. I worked so hard to change on my own and never could. It is ONLY God who is able to effortlessly transform the heart.
My heart overflows with so much gratitude and love for the Lord I don’t know what else to do other than to tell people of all the great things He has done. It’s like receiving an amazing gift, we all want to tell people about that amazing gift. I have been given a gift that I do not deserve, God’s grace. I had nothing to offer the Lord, I was drowning in darkness and sin, yet in His love and mercy the Lord saved me from myself… All I had to do was surrender to His way and STOP going my own way. It seems like an easy concept, but for me it wasn’t. I have always been strong willed like my son. I have always had an inclination to test limits, a desire for control, and a habit of resisting all authority. In other words, rebellion was my middle name. I was fighting for control, but ultimately I was NOT the one in control - God was.
It wasn’t until I submitted to the Lord’s authority that I was able to really thrive in who He created me to be. I often feel like my own child who fights for control. I am not any different, I fight God for control all the time. It has always been in my surrender that I have found freedom. I have to explain to my own son the same thing the Lord has had to teach me, “ Jett, I am for you, not against you. I want the best for you. I love you” We see the rebellion in our children. They want it their way, they resist our authority because their way seems better. It is no different than us rebelling against our Heavenly Father.The principle of submitting to authority is crucial. We will have to submit to all sorts of authority in our lifetime, but I’m so thankful for the freedom, peace, joy and contentment I now have because I have submitted to the Lord’s authority over my life. I have spent many hours in scripture and on my knees asking for wisdom from the Lord. I no longer seek worldly wisdom, but seek wisdom from the Lord. I pray often that my kids would submit not to my authority (which would also be nice), but to the Lord’s authority. It starts there.
I trust and am fully convinced the Lord is in control. I know I do not have control over changing my son’s selfish heart, his prideful perspective, and his desire for control, but the Lord does. I understand first hand how it feels to not want to listen to anyone, to not heed warnings or to listen to correction. I still don’t handle that well when it comes from other people (God’s still working on me), but when it comes from the Lord I have a soft spot. I desperately want to listen to what the Lord has for me. I crave his guidance, comfort, correction, discipline, and teaching. I want the same for my children , which is why I remind them how important humility is and a teachable spirit. I often tell them that the Lord can work with a humble teachable heart, but a prideful hard heart will always resist God's way. I remind them how important prayer and scripture are because our way will always seem more desirable, but it’s the scriptures that will show us that God’s way is best. I want my kids to understand that their human desires, perspective, and motives will lead them astray. In our human nature we want to please ourselves, we want to do what makes us feel good or happy, but that will never satisfy. It's the Lord’s perspective, His truth and guidance that our souls really crave. When we submit to the Lord’s authority and allow Him to lead our lives we can be certain that we will experience the peace, contentment, freedom and joy our soul craves.
I am far from where I want to be and I still struggle with anger and selfishness at times. I also lack patience and self control, but the difference is…. that hopeless feeling I felt as I wept on the gym floor is no longer there. My hope is not in myself, I will always fail as a mother. My hope is in the Lord’s promises and the one I cling to often is Philippians 1:6 “I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” I will never get it perfectly right, but I can see the Lord’s work in me. That is so encouraging and it gives me so much hope. “The Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control” Galatians 5:22-23. I no longer doubt God’s existence and power like I used to and that’s only because I’ve seen his miraculous work in my life and in my heart. I will never stop proclaiming, "Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of His glory.” Isaiah 6:3
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