My Rescue Story

This morning I woke up late and stumbled out to the living room. There I saw both of my kids snuggled together on the couch watching T.V. They beat me out of bed, AGAIN🤦‍♀️I watched them for a short time soaking up the image of them actually getting along. After a few seconds, I decided to join in on all the love! ❤️ As I jumped in between them to get some major snuggling in, they both shouted, “MOMMY!!!” They both grabbed onto me tightly. It was about 7:30 A.M and we really should have been getting dressed and ready for school, eating, and brushing teeth, but we sat there and snuggled. The whole time I was laying there, I kept reflecting back on how much the Lord has grown me as a mother. I was so overwhelmed by emotion and my heart was filled with so much gratitude and love for the Lord, I literally just sat there and wept.

My tears were happy tears because just a few years ago this was not my reality. My relationship with my kids was real strained and being a mother was not quite what I had always hoped for. When I think back on those years, I don’t remember ever being able to relish in something as simple as what I was doing in that moment, snuggling with my kids. Most of my days were spent getting super annoyed and angry. Yes, there were days where I was able to muster up enough patience to love on my kids and enjoy my time with them, but that was few and far between. It was miserable working so hard to control my anger and it seemed impossible to resist it. My temper has always been a hindrance and it was proving to be quite the battle as I began trying to raise children. In the beginning I was able to get by, but month after month, year after year my anger slowly began to be what consumed me.

I’ve always been someone who thought I could change myself if I just worked a little harder. I’m quite strong willed and when I set my mind to something I usually achieve it, but when it came to my anger I almost felt helpless. I had never been in a situation where I felt so desperate to change, yet couldn’t. It's not like I wanted to be an angry person. I feel like it’s safe to say that most people desire to be their best selves, but I found it impossible to be who I desired to be when my anger was consuming me constantly. Same goes for any other heart issues like jealousy, lust, control, selfishness, pride. I never saw these heart issues as affecting my daily life because they often flew under the radar. We don’t often see our own pride or that our selfishness is negatively affecting our marriage or that our need for control is wreaking havoc in our lives. We all fall short of perfection and we all struggle with sin regardless if we see it or not.

I always wondered if it was even possible to be who I desired to be since I was struggling so badly. I didn’t really have big dreams of being successful or making it big or anything. To be honest the one thing I wanted most was to be a Mom who was able to love better and who could be patient for longer than a few minutes a day. I dreamt of having a good relationship with my kids and being a close family, but how was that even possible when my anger was what consumed me so much of the day. I will admit that I was able to make some temporary changes and was able to muster up enough strength to be on my "best behavior”in certain situations, but is that really changing? To be honest, I wasn’t really getting anywhere doing that. I was still fighting (and losing) the same battles EVERY. SINGLE. DAY…. It was exhausting.

I had to get to a real bad place in my battle with my anger before I realized I needed help. I will always remember that day, where I dropped to my knees, desperate and weak, begging the Lord to change me. It was the Lord I admitted and confessed to first. He was the One I told about my anger. I literally was just so desperate and defeated I didn’t know who else to go to. It’s not like I was a spiritual person or anything. I didn’t even really know “how to pray”. I just dropped to my knees and said, “I need your help Lord, I can’t do it anymore… PLEASE help me change. I don’t want to live like this anymore."

I prayed that day for the Lord to change me, but let’s get something straight... I didn’t actually believe He would. I was desperate and part of me hoped He would, but most of me doubted. I assumed I was waaaaay beyond help. I also thought I might be losing it mentally. Did I just "talk to God"? What just happened?…Is it even possible for the Lord to change someone like me? But, regardless of my lack of faith, God was working. It was after I pulled myself up off the ground that day that I made the decision to seek the Lord with every ounce of my being. I was going to figure this faith stuff out and I had the attitude, “Lord…. If you are who you say you are, then PROVE IT….”

I’ll admit, that was probably not the best attitude to have, YIKES. Me telling God to prove it, kind of arrogant, I know… But my point is, I lacked faith, didn't think I was actually talking to God, thought I was losing it mentally, was prideful and arrogant, had an attitude, was angry at God and really I was just a hot mess…. but that’s exactly where God met me. He didn't expect me to “clean up” my act and then go to Him or fake fine and make up a nice prayer. He wanted me to tell him I was angry with Him and that I needed Him. He wanted me to be honest about not understanding how to rely on Him for strength. I went to the Lord vulnerable and weak and that’s when I began seeing his transformative work in my heart and in my life. The Lord wants all of us….. our weaknesses, sin, emotions… He wants the real us, NOT the fake person, who we think He wants us to be.

I was always too ashamed to go to the Lord for help or maybe I didn’t go to Him because I didn’t really think it would make a difference in my life. I don’t know... there were so many reasons that I didn’t go to the Lord for help. Looking back I can see how demented, distorted, unhealthy, and just plain wrong my perspective of God was, no wonder I didn’t want to go to Him for help. The enemy was hard at work deceiving me. In my darkest hours, I believed so many lies about God and about myself, “ If anyone knew who you really were they wouldn’t accept you or love you”... “If people knew about your anger, they would be disgusted and ashamed of you.” “You are such a failure” “You have no value or worth” “the Lord can’t change someone like you” “You are a lost cause”.... The lies kept me in a dark place and they made me feel completely lost and alone.

"We are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places."Ephesians 6:12. We often think our battles can be fought in our own strength, but I’ll be the first one to admit that, both the battle in my mind and the battle with my anger were way too much for me to handle. I thought I was strong enough to fight and resist, so I kept quiet about my struggle and continued to keep working harder at being more patient. I was certain I could beat this… Ask me how that worked for me? It didn’t….. I believed for so long that I could do it on my own, but I couldn't. I tried for many years. I'll admit that sometimes my prideful heart wishes I could have done it on my own. I wish I was stronger and more self-sufficient. I never wanted my story to be one of me being weak and needing help, who wants that as part of their story, right? But the crazy thing is, in my weakness I was able to experience real strength. Not mine, but that of the Lord. The real Hero gets to shine in my weakness. Even though it's human nature to want to make ourselves the heroes, it is really the Lord who deserves all the glory and praise! [Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.2 Corinthians 12:9]

Even though I still make mistakes, lose my temper at times, have my selfish moments and that dang pride still creeps in, I can confidently say that I am NOT who I used to be. I am a daughter of the King and He is growing me and changing me into who He created me to be. I am not defined by my failure or sin, I am not less valuable because of my weaknesses. I am grateful to have Christ as my foundation. He has grown me as a mother, daughter, wife and friend. Even though I fall short of perfection on a daily basis, I can see growth, where I never did before and that is so encouraging.[ “And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns”Philippians1:6 ]

I no longer live as a slave to my anger, but I live in the grace and freedom only the Lord can provide. It is when we seek the Lord first and foremost that He has the power to create in us a new attitude, a new perspective, new desires, and grow us in our love, patience, joy, peace, kindness, and self control.There is a huge difference between hearing of God’s power and actually experiencing it. I had heard about it many times, which was very encouraging, but actually experiencing the Lord’s strength and power first hand...That was life altering. It was seeking the Lord in scripture and prayer that opened the door to me experiencing the Lord personally. In the Lord’s strength anything is possible, He can do immeasurably more than our minds can even imagine. “And so I tell you, keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened.” Luke 11:9-10

The Lord, will ALWAYS come to our rescue no matter what we are struggling with, we just have to ask and seek….. I didn’t think He would ever rescue me, but oddly enough… when I said, “PROVE IT”... He was actually listening…YIKES… hahahah!!! #EnoughSaid
I’ll never stop proclaiming that His name is power over darkness, freedom for the captives, mercy for the broken and faithful in the battle. He will never let us down or fail us. 

…….All Praise, Honor, And Glory To You Father!

"There I was empty-handed
Crying out from the pit of my despair
There You were in the shadows
Holding out Your hand You met me there
And now where would I be without You?
Where would I be, Jesus?
You were the voice in the desert
Calling me out in the dead of night
Fighting my battles for me
You are my rescue story
Lifted me up from the ashes
Carried my soul from death to life
Bringing me from glory to glory
You are my rescue story"