As a child I would often marvel at the vastness of this universe. I hated how I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that the universe didn’t have an end point and that a number like infinity existed. How can a number not have an end, UGH… Frustrating. I would lay in bed, tears streaming down my face wondering what eternity might feel like. The universe, eternity, a number that doesn’t end, it was all a source of so much fear. I would struggle to understand in my mind, but obviously never could. The fact that my mind was finite and had limits was what terrified me the most. I began realizing there were concepts and ideas that were beyond what my mind was able to comprehend and that tormented me.
That’s why the concept of faith was so hard for me at first. It still is at times, but I’ve made progress. Hebrews defines faith as, “confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.” Simply put, biblical faith is “trusting in something you cannot explicitly prove.” UGH! Seriously!!! I often want clear cut answers, but I’ve been realizing that is not what God intended for us. If He wanted us to know everything, we would. I guess faith wouldn’t be necessary if we knew everything. If we knew and understood (with our finite minds) God’s ways and the why’s and how’s behind everything, than that would make God pretty small. Our minds have limits, but God doesn’t. He is all knowing, all powerful, present everywhere at the same time, has authority over all things and nothing is out of His control. “Oh, how great are God’s riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his ways!” Romans 11:33
It is good to wrestle with the ideas and concept of God. I still do… It is important to seek to understand in our minds. Knowledge is good, but it cannot end there. Knowledge is not enough…“You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder. James 2:19. When we believe in our minds, that's just the beginning. It starts there, but I encourage you not to stop there. Our hearts need to follow what our minds know. God wants more of us, not just our minds, but our hearts too. God’s desire is that we would all come to fully know Him in a personal and relational way. Fear, laziness, insecurity, the uncomfortable, the unknown, all those things prevented me from pursuing God in a deeper, more authentic way. I never experienced God fully, nor did I know Him deeply and personally when I was seeking halfheartedly. I realized that doing it half way was not enough. I wasn’t growing, changing, trusting more, I was just coasting.....
"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart" Jeremiah 29:13. God wants us to seek Him with all our heart and it wasn’t until I started doing that, that the Lord started revealing Himself to me. He began to grow me closer to Him, growing me in my faith and trust. He began changing my perspective, pointing out sin in my life and changing my heart. As I began to change and grow, I began seeing there was a difference between intellectual wisdom and the wisdom that the scriptures talk about that comes from the Lord. In surrender and humility, God will grant us wisdom. Wisdom is so much more than knowledge.
I read an article recently about Aaron Rodgers walking away from the faith. From what he said, it seemed as though he was really digging for answers at one point (maybe still is). He had a lot of intellectual things to say. He used big words, which I didn’t even know what they meant (I had to google them, haha). I bring this up because it seemed as though he was seeking with his mind, trying to understand God intellectually, trying to understand His ways.
You could tell He had really thought about things and tried to sort out his beliefs, but he ended up walking away from the faith. I guess that’s my point, mere knowledge and understanding will never be enough. I understand why he walked away, he didn't know God personally and deeply. When I only sought with my mind I ran from God too. I read things in scripture about heaven and hell and other things I wasn’t very thrilled to hear and I didn’t want to accept them. I didn’t understand them. I was too prideful to accept God’s way. I was so consumed with myself that my thoughts were far from God. I couldn’t even fathom God’s ways. I assumed what I believed and what I wanted was best. My ideas and my way of thinking made more sense to me, so I disregarded God and believed what I wanted to believe.
It was only with a humble heart that the Lord was able to show me that His ways are far superior to mine. God’s thoughts and ways are not like those of people, we will never be able to understand God. My pride was preventing me from understanding. I lacked true wisdom when I was proud. I am grateful for my suffering and the darkness I walked through because that is what finally humbled my heart. The “poor in spirit”, the humble are those who recognize their utter bankruptcy, they see their sin and imperfection and recognize their need for the Lord. Rodgers said, “ that Christianity is a problematic “binary system” explaining: It’s saved and unsaved, it’s heaven and hell. It’s enlightened and heathen. It’s holy and righteous, and sinner and filthy.” He said “I think that makes a lot of people feel better about themselves – you know, I got Jesus and you know I’m saved and I’m going to heaven.” That was his very narrow and distorted view of Christianity. I read that and I'm not going to lie, I almost cried, my heart ached because I’m sure a lot of people see it that way, I used to see it that way.
The enemy is hard at work twisting the truth, distorting our view of God. His lies seem so believable and it’s so easy to think we understand who God is without seeking Him wholeheartedly. I will reiterate what I said before, God’s thoughts and ways are not like those of people. I used to think I knew God and to be honest I wasn’t too fond of Him. I had a very similar view to Rodgers, but too often we trust our emotions, our own perceptions or we rely too heavily on Pastors or other Christians to teach us the Bible. I was always seeing God and Christianity through such a distorted lens and that's because I never sought to know God for myself, in scripture.
I didn’t start fully understanding the Gospel message until I hit rock bottom. It was then, that my eyes were open to the truth. For the first time in my life I saw myself as a filthy sinner. I saw the evil that was present in my anger and was disgusted by it. I hated who I had become. I was just a beggar at the Lord’s feet. I had nothing to offer Him. I had made so many mistakes, I had screwed up so badly. I laid on the bathroom floor and pleaded for God’s mercy and help. In humility I cried out to the Lord, “ Save me from myself, I need you”. I realized in that moment that I needed to be saved from myself... my own sin…. my anger. I was broken and weak and that was very obvious.
Christianity is not about righteous vs. sinful. It’s about sinful people needing to be saved from themselves (their sin). We are all on a level playing field, we all fall short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23). We are all sinners in need of a Savior. These song lyrics speak so much truth and I resonate with them deeply:
“It's the rebels and the prodigals; it's the humble and the weak. Tell me there's hope for sinners like me.” I felt hopeless and weak, but it was God’s grace that saved me. “Grace is a kingdom with gates open wide, there's a seat at the table just waiting for you, so come on inside.”
God’s desire is that we choose to seek Him. I was the rebel, the prodigal child, I was the one who thought my way was better, who pushed God away. I was heading down a road of destruction. My anger, selfishness, and pride consumed me. It wasn’t until I was desperate, drowning in sin and darkness that I FINALLY reached out my hand and the Lord grabbed hold of it. I finally saw my need for Him. My life has been transformed in unimaginable ways and it’s not because I deserve one bit of it. I have experienced so much freedom and that's why I share my story. I want others to experience that kind of freedom as well. Nothing compares to it...
Like I said, I came as a beggar with nothing to offer God. I confessed my sin and asked for the Lord’s help. He saved me from myself.
Like I said, I came as a beggar with nothing to offer God. I confessed my sin and asked for the Lord’s help. He saved me from myself.
The Lord, “ is so rich in kindness and grace that he purchased our freedom with the blood of his Son and forgave our sins.” Ephesians 1:7
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