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I heard this analogy recently and it deeply resonated with me…..

"Trying to please God through religion, is like trying to drive a really nice car, but it doesn’t have any gas. You might look impressive to the people around you, but you know you really aren’t going anywhere."

This rings so true to my personal experience. When I look back and reflect on the beginning of my faith journey, this is what it looked like. I was so busy trying to perform, trying to please God, trying to please others. I was trying so hard to be who I thought everyone wanted me to be. I got caught up in this sort of “religious cycle ” for a while, where I was constantly trying to do more in order to measure up. If only I read my bible more, or prayed more, maybe if I tithed a bit more, or served more, then I’d be doing it “right”…. Don’t get me wrong, those things are all good things when the motive is right. When my motive for doing them was to please God, please others, or to try and measure up, those good things became chains that kept me prisoner.

After the pastor shared that analogy he went on to say, "I can’t help but wonder if that’s what happens sometimes at church. People come to the right place, they are empty, they know they need something more, but instead of being filled with the power they need, they are told thanks for playing, try again next week. It doesn’t take very long for them to hit empty”

(- Kyle Idleman) I could resonate with Idleman’s words, “ thanks for playing, try again next week.” That’s how I used to feel constantly, but as I’ve grown in my understanding I now know that when we place our faith in Christ, we are set free to live differently and living differently is not about trying harder. Religion puts the emphasis on human effort and self determination, but the good news of the Gospel is not about self effort, it’s about relying on the power of the Holy Spirit. The real freedom of the Gospel message for me was understanding that I am already fully accepted and loved by the Lord, I don’t have to try and be who the Lord wants me to be. It’s when I rest in the Lord and allow the Spirit to lead me that I have seen a miraculous transformation in not only my heart, but also in my mind.

It’s easy for us to want to focus on performance because it lets us take matters into our own hands, but measuring always leads to comparing, and when we compare ourselves to others it only leads to pride or it leads to shame. Paul makes it clear that this approach to the Gospel is no gospel at all, it’s not good news. In Galatians 1:6-7 Paul says this, “I am shocked that you are turning away so soon from God, who called you to himself through the loving mercy of Christ. You are following a different way that pretends to be the Good News, but is not the Good News at all. You are being fooled by those who deliberately twist the truth concerning Christ.”

When I was stuck in the religious cycle of rule following and performing, I might have looked impressive on the outside, but I really wasn’t “going anywhere” like Idleman put it ……… and by “going anywhere” I mean I was doing all the work, but my heart was still far from the Lord. I thought rule following and the do, do, doing was what it looked like to be in a relationship with the Lord. I followed that path for many, many years. I can empathize with people who leave the church, or walk away from the faith…I was ready to walk away too.

It was when I eventually “hit empty” that the Lord started opening my eyes to the truth of the Gospel. One afternoon after losing my temper REALLY badly with my son I remember running into the bathroom and locking myself in. I was crying uncontrollably, screaming at God for not helping me. I wanted to be different so badly and I was trying so hard, but nothing ever changed. I could see how my temper was ruining my relationship with my kids and I didn’t want my anger to control me anymore, but I didn't know how to stop it.

As I was in the bathroom crying and screaming at God, I remember a sort of “peace” coming over me. I cannot really explain it in words, but I remember it was so powerful I dropped to my knees. Dropping to the knees may be normal for some, but this was always something that made me feel REALLY uncomfortable, so I never did it. I thought only the real holy roller people did that.... but in that moment I had such a reverence for the Lord it just happened. It wasn’t weird, but purely authentic. I knelt there and just talked to the Lord, it was the first time I was ever vulnerable with Him. As I prayed, my anger subsided and something sort of “clicked” in my brain. Hard to fully explain, but at that moment I understood. My eyes were open to the truth of what I was missing the whole entire time. It was HIM I was missing.... Jesus. How does that even happen?

After I was done praying there was one thought that kept running through my mind. It was this, “If you seek me you will find me”.....

I didn’t even know that was scripture at the time, it would be later that I would run across this scripture in the bible. [If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me Jeremiah 29:13] A great friend of mine always says, that we often see God in the “rearview mirror”. That we often don’t understand what the Lord is doing in the moment, but it's when we look back that we are able to see it.

I’m going to be honest, I literally thought I was losing it mentally in the bathroom that day. I was weirded out by everything that had happened and was overwhelmed with emotion and confusion......but I decided to cling to the Lord regardless of the fear, confusion, and uncomfortableness. I actually felt quite alone after that experience and throughout the days and months following. The spiritual stuff sort of weirded me out at first, it didn’t feel “like me”, if that makes sense. I didn’t want to be some weird “holy roller”, but regardless of the insecurities and fear I pushed forward. I kept seeking the Lord with my whole heart, mind and soul. I remained vulnerable with Him, always telling Him everything on my heart. In time, it began to feel normal. It has been many years since that crazy bathroom moment, but ever since that day I’ve never stopped seeking wholeheartedly and what I have found on this new path has been life changing.

One thing that I learned along the way is the reason I wasn’t getting the results I wanted in regards to my anger, was because I kept trying to self generate. I was the one trying to do,do, do, but the Lord would teach me that it wasn’t about me, it was about Him. He was the only One who could change the heart, I didn’t have that kind of power. I thought going through the religious motions would change me, but the whole time I remained selfish, angry A LOT, discontent, impatient, and lacked peace and joy. I might have looked good on the outside by doing all that I thought I was “supposed to do”, but I knew I wasn’t going anywhere. No matter how hard I tried I was not able to be who I wanted to be.

In Galatians 5, Paul talks about the fruit that comes by a life that is plugged into the power of the Spirit. [V.22-23 The Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!] This fruit comes naturally, it does not come with self effort. I was trying to produce this fruit in my own strength, but as I began to surrender to the Lord, giving up control and allowing Him to lead my life I started to experience the power of the Spirit. I was becoming more patient, had more self control, and felt peace and freedom that I had never experienced before…. My life was naturally producing this fruit because I was living out of God’s power rather than my own. It’s the fruit that we bear that shows where our roots are.

I’ve come to realize that the Lord desires our whole hearts, He wants all of us. I remember when I used to only acknowledge The Lord’s presence on Sundays and the rest of the week I sort of forgot about Him. I feel like that felt safe to me. I didn’t really want to go any deeper, but then I would struggle with my anger and then wonder why he wasn’t “helping me”. I didn’t get it….. The Lord has been so patient and gracious with me over the years as He teaches me that walking with Him is not just a Sunday thing, it’s an everyday thing. [Galatians 5:25 25 If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit.]

I often think about that verse that popped into my head in the bathroom that day. I’ve been seeking the Lord wholeheartedly ever since that day and guess what!?!? I have definitely “found Him”. I didn’t find Him at Sunday church though. That’s not a knock on the church, I love my church, but I’ve discovered that I can enjoy the Lord’s presence in my day to day. As I “keep in step” with the Spirit, following Jesus is no longer a boring religious checklist for me…. That was something I was ready to walk away from…… But Jesus, I cannot even fathom walking away from Him. He saved me, brought me from darkness into light and truly rescued me from myself. I am no longer a slave to my anger, but free to live differently because of the power of the Spirit!